Dear Schmoopypants, you’ve gone too far.

Dearest Lovemuffin,
I’m sorry to inform you that you have defiled our love, broken my trust, and made me question if I ever really knew you at all!
How could you!?!
Was it tastier and more exciting because you *knew* it was so wrong?
Did you at least heat them up on a plate like they deserved? Or did you eat my chinese food leftovers cold right out of the container?
Delicious leftover orange beef and crab rangoon…I’m sorry I couldn’t say goodbye. 
Maybe with time and counseling we can rebuild the trust between us.


Bandelettes! aka chub-rub defeaters of wonderousness!

Actually, these things are named BANDELETTES and they are marketed as “Inner Thigh Guards” and after reading about their existence I immediately bought three pairs because, well, holy shit! These might be awesome.

I specifically purchased the following:

Bandelettes: Red Romance or as I like to think of them – my slutty red thigh thingies

Bandelettes: Chocolate or, as I like to think of them – my subtle thigh thingies

Bandelettes: Black Unisex or, as I like to think of them – my sporty spice thigh thingies

If  you don’t feel like clicking on the links I can describe these to you pretty well – for the lacey ones: you know those thigh highs we have all owned that are supposed to stay up with no garter belt but never do? Yeah, cut off the hosiery portion and keep the bit of lace at the top and that is what they look like. now the sporty spice ones? yeah, they are more like you cut the legs off of some bike shorts and put them on.

They arrived in the mail today and I had to try them – sure, I’m wearing jeans but I figured it couldn’t hurt to field test the darn things a bit. I put on my sporty spice thigh thingies and then put my jeans back on. They are quite comfortable and hilariously easy to forget that you have them on. So far they have stayed put except for when I went to the bathroom and I pulled off my underwear and in the process ended up taking off my left sporty spice thigh thingy because I treated the bathroom+sporty spice thigh thingies as if they were bike shorts.

Again, this is about 2 hours into wearing the sporty spice ones. I will continue to update but so far, these are kind of awesome. I will be skirting it up all weekend and will let you know what I learn!

…..and I’m back.

I can say the following about bandelettes – they. are. awesome.

They are amazing for many reasons; allow me to detail:

  • they do what they say – there is nary a bit of chub-rub even if I am not wearing bike shorts under a skirt. Yes, for the first time in my entire life I can wear a skirt with no underwear (aka bike shorts)! When I wore a skirt with the bandelettes and nothing else I noticed breezes in places I had never felt breezes before which made me sort of stop randomly and cock my head in a confused manner while shopping at home depot (shut up, my life *is* exciting, I swear!)
  • they are unexpectedly sexy – okay, so the sporty-spice ones are pretty much just functional, but the lacy ones seem to trip the “thigh high” visual trigger in men. I live in the tropics and although I love dressing up for play time there is just never a good time for nylons here. These bandelettes give me a happy thigh high option while not having to wear the nylon part!
  • they do not move. seriously, even though it seems like they should, they don’t.
  • the sporty-spice ones fill a gap I was unaware I had (shut up, I know there is a vagina joke in there somewhere! *grin*); you know how casual shorts are getting shorter? The exercise shorts I have bought recently end well above the rub danger zone and although comfortable are not really great to wear while actually exercising. Those sporty-spice bandelettes do not look too weird under sport shorts and by golly, they work really well. 

If I could go back in time to all of the Pennsics and all the other Society for Creative Anachronism events I attended and give myself the gift of bandelettes I would do so in a heartbeat. If you are a skirt or dress wearing person with thighs that may meet and create unfortunate friction – buy these things. I did, and I plan on buying more.



I, like many of you, have neighbors. In general, I can get along well with other humans mainly because I can talk the hell out of some small talk, “weather. weather. dogs. weather.” (see, small talk!)
I am currently living near what I am going to call unfortunate neighbors. They are unfortunate because they do not embrace the Live & Let Live attitude of our neighborhood. I’m certain that they would fit into a more regimented neighborhood very well and that they would ensure that everyone (every. one.) followed all of the rules.
Anywhoodle, earlier today I noticed that my back (normal, pleasant, sane(enough)) neighbors were burning leaves (safely, away from any extra fuel, with continuous monitoring) and thought to myself, “mmmm, I love the smell of burnin leaves.”
An hour later I noticed (okay, to be fair Herbert started growling so I looked) the shirtless unfortunate male neighbor exiting the bush next to my fence (weird…) and then walking to the front center of my fence and yelling, “Heather!!!!” repeatedly until I passive-aggressively and with deliberate slowness, meandered my way over to him.  He then started with yelling and gesticulation and pointed over to my back neighbors and I finally made out the words, “burning trash”. I said, “but they aren’t burning trash; they are burning leaves….?” with a frustrated, “WHATEVER!” which I interpreted as, “should have known that hippy bitch wouldn’t take our side” he departed and I headed back to the house.  Which is when I heard the shrill screech of the unfortunate female neighbor’s voice coming from the back neighbors….are you freakin kidding me? So, by the time I reached the back fence the unfortunate neighbor had gotten back in her mini-van and departed back to her unfortunate neighbor compound. I waved for my back neighbor to make sure she understood I have no connection nor affiliation with the unfortunate neighbors and that I didn’t mind the burning and if and when I did, I would be sure to yell at the back fence and not call the police & fire department.
So, looks like it is time to put in a fire pit. *evil grin*

Tipping Advice…

I am not a famous person and I sincerely hope it stays that way. If, by some wicked twist of fate I do become famous I sincerely hope it is for doing something really good and not something really stupid. Because of my lack of drive to ever be famous I have no aspirations for this guide to be read by the masses, but for the love of all of the good in the world if you read it – please teach others.


I recently became aware that tipping waitstaff can really trip people up if you had a system such as “double the tax” and then you come to a place, say…the virgin islands for example, and holy crap – there is no tax. I used to work as a waitress and just like everyone else I know who has worked as waitstaff, I always tip 20% for average service. More for better, less for worse – but never less that 15% (if service was truly horrendous I would have already spoken to the manager).  But don’t let the percentages discourage you – my method of tipping is easy enough for the drunkest among us.

Lunch Receipt

big salad            $ 9.95

add chicken       $ 2.00

iced tea              $ 2.50


Total                      $14.45

So what you do is, take a look at the Total which in this case is $14.45. Now, you see that dot (aka decimal point) located between the 4s? yeah, move it one number to the left. That’s right, with every bill total you have you just hop that little sucker over one spot to the left.


Okay, so far so good. you’ve moved the decimal point over one spot to the left and that leaves you with $1.45. Now, multiply it by 2.

$1.45 x 2 = $2.90

And that is it. It will get you 20% every single time.

  1. Hop once to the left
  2. Multiply by 2
  3. You are now tipping like a good person and not a douche and that means that everyone wins.  

The end.



Officially Old

Okay, so I always wondered if there was a moment in your life when you know, like know down deep in your bones, that you are past your prime and I can now answer….yes, yes there is. It is when you reach below the bed and pull out the “sex toy” box, brush the dust off of it, and reach in for the heavy duty massager….to use on my back.

precognition? silly coincidence?

So, I am clearing off bookshelves and getting rid of some old books that I haven’t re-read in years. In my book of 100 Hair Raising Little Horror Stories I found a copy of my 2002 wedding invitation [divorce was final is 2012]. Why on earth would I have put that there? If my life were a novel that would have been called ‘foreshadowing’; today it is just a lot of funny with a slight tinge of sad that my subconcious was apparently screeching at me to get out a lot sooner than I thought–100 Hair Raising Little Horror Stories indeed.
Remember to listen to yourself.
Okay, back to the cleaning.

So, it turns out that the perfect storm of “too much” is as follows:

1.  Over scheduled myself at work and ended up doing about an 80 hour workweek.
2. That workweek ended with a training that felt rather flat when I gave it and turned out not to be what the client wanted. Yes, they should have given me more than “general safety stuff” as a guideline, but I still felt horribly shitty about it.
3. The damn power was out on the whole island for about 14 hours on Saturday effectively stealing my ability to get anything done. 
4. Sunday was not a fun day.
5. Upcoming week is more over scheduled than last week.

So all of that (of which I am aware can be looked at in a positive way – yes, I am blessed to have a job, I am incredibly lucky to live with electricity most of the time, I got to enjoy reading on Saturday, etc. I’m just whining) has led me to not wanting to get out of bed this morning.
Pillows – good!
Sheets – good!
Snuggly puppies – good!

Up and out? No good.

Snooze? Yes, please.
Wish me luck at the up and out part later please….