Are you fucking kidding me? (episode 1)

So, due to a google search gone awry, I now know of another product in the world that annoys me.  It all started out simply enough–I have been obsessively searching online for an answer about silicone scar sheeting.  I have a wicked-huge keloid scar on the ball of my right foot. I am not an overly vain person and in general I celebrate my physical scars (emotional scarring is just embarrassing and shall remain hidden at all times, a’thank you very much) usually proclaiming something along the lines of “Chicks Dig Scars!”, but this sumbitch hurts. It’s that slow-ache-pain that I can usually ignore but lately it keeps popping into my consciousness and that usually means I have to “deal with it like an adult” before my body attempts something dramatic to really get my attention….stupid body. Anywhoodle,  I cannot determine if silicone sheeting you buy for a cost of all-the-monies is chemically different than silicone sheeting made out of aquarium silicone that you let dry. I’ll let you know if I ever get that answered–currently I am using some unused silicone earplugs mushed onto the scar for 8 hours or so at a time as well as some silicone scar spray….I think the earplugs are working better at this point.
Sorry, got of track there–I buy my diabetic test strips on Amazon because they are less than half of my copay at the pharmacy, so I checked there for scar strips. Nope,  still all-of-the-monies. For grins I spun over to ebay just to see pricing…. better, but medical equipment on ebay? hrmmmm. I noticed some “if you liked that,  you’ll lurve these!” links below and thus began my descent into thinkery. I was intrigued by the at-home instant answer HIV-1 and HIV-2 mouth swabs and part of me was all, “awesome! everyone should have some and use them before every new partner!” and part of me was horrified, “what if these are duds?!?” and “can you imagine having the responsibility of telling someone they tested positive?!”
So,  yeah…. and then, because if you spend longer than 10 seconds looking at the vast array of testing kits on ebay the algorithm apparently decides you are in need of this wee gem:
The Semen Detection Kit.
http://pages.ebay.com/link/?nav=item.view&id=121191251563&alt=web
smdh.
Here’s the thing, if you are in a relationship with someone and you feel the need to search on ebay for a kit that will tell you if there is cum on your partner’s clothing? Yeah,  that relationship ship has sailed–break up.  You are either correct and they are cheating on you (do you really need to find cum?) or you are paranoid and an asshole and you could both be happier not with each other.
love y’all,
-H.

Ow Ow Fuckity Ow (again)

How do I explain the amount of stupid? No….seriously–my stupid, it burns. One week ago tonight I was sick, not stupidly sick–just a cold. You know, just sick enough that the throat hurts, you have snot and aches and everything is poopy. You can tell when I am have a cold because I tend towards dramatic noises along the lines of, “I am dying!” or “please kill me!” or my personal favorite – the dying cow noise, “uuweeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”.
Now, when I am in any true danger of death you will hear me going on and on about how, “I am fine” and I will even try to make you feel better about how I am so incredibly fine. Yeah. I think it just furthers my evidence that that rush of panic most people get just calms me the fuck down. So, fast forward from Friday to Monday night and I felt SO. MUCH. BETTER.  It was so nice not to feel crappy any longer. I knew I had tuesday off of work (Thanks to all of my service friends and family for much more than getting me a day off of work) so I thought I would finally dredge the long-term mullings out of my brain and into the real world.
and it went REALLY well–until it didn’t.
and when it didn’t? it REALLY didn’t.
So, have ya’ll ever heard of bike-joring? Probably not. But, you have probably heard of dog-sledding. Well, remove the snow, remove the sled and insert a bike and you get the gist. It’s one of those things us crazy dog people think about–especially when my lovely athlete of a dog looks at me, a couch potato of a person, with a longing to run that just about breaks my heart.
Now before you think I am a complete idiot who didn’t research the heck out of this crap before beginning this little adventure – I’m not. I’m more like the complete idiot who dismissed one wee little component because it seemed like a small risk (think Hindenberg – well, sure…hydrogen is incredibly flammable but what are the chances??).  So, on Monday night I put Herbert into his little harness, attached him with an appropriate amount of rope and bungee to the front of the bicycle and off we went to go around the block. Keep in mind, at this point I did NOT have my phone and I wasn’t even concerned about not having my phone because this was going to work! it was going to be awesome! Herbert the wonder pup was going to get to RUN HIS HEART OUT all the while assisting to drag my non-athletic-butt up the challenging parts – – IT WAS GOING TO BE AWESOME!!!
and it WAS!! At least the first half of the block was a freaking DREAM. I pedalled, he pulled, we were ROCKING.
And then I got too confident (*on the Hindenberg* sure!!! I don’t see lighting a bonfire as causing any undue safety concerns…..[please note, that isn’t what actually happened on the Hindenberg; I am utilizing hyperbole] On the slight downward hill Herbert slowed down and I sped up and the bungee/rope met the front tire and I learned how to fly for a very short distance with a rather unfortunate sudden stop.
Weeeeeeeeee-Thud-FML.
Now, for those of you who have ever worked with dogs you know the key to an epic fuck up like this is to make sure they aren’t freaked the fuck out and I realized at that point that 1. Herbert needed to know everything was okay and that he was a GOOD DOG! [because he was, he didn’t panic – he didn’t like that he was attached to the thing that tried to kill the FoodLady, but he was okay] 2. I didn’t have my phone. 3. The chain was off my bike and the fender was bent into the tire in a fun way. 4. I was going to feel pain in a few minutes and was about a 10 minute walk from the house. well, fuck.
So, I decided to walk the bike home. Before that could happen I had to unbend the fender from the blessedly unpunctured tire with my hands. It should be noted that although I knew my hands were damaged I wasn’t yet feeling the pain [*grunts* animal wounded–must escape wounding to survive, pain keeps animal from escaping – brain block pain – weeeeee!!!!!!] but right after I bent that fender off of the tire I saw the shiny stars and birds flying around my head.  Once the shinies and the birdies came the pain hit and instead of casually walking my bicycle homeward I heavily plopped my ass on the bike and performed that ungainly roll/walk thing normally performed by toddlers on their play bicycles and uncerimoniously dragged myself home with some bleedy road rash on my hands and arms and some serious OW in the bodular area. When I got home (around the block without injuries – 10 minutes; with injuries 3.284 years) I staggered into the yard and the boyfriend could hear the snot-cry-ow-fml-voice and asked how it went (I would be remiss not pointing out that he was against this experiment from the beginning and was very helpful with the first aid and the helping and such – even if he did end up doing the “I was right” dance when I was better) and all I could say was, “it went REALLY well; until it didn’t” before stopping the bleeding, digging out pieces of gravel, taking so much of the advil, embracing the ice packs, and lying very. very. still.
I have some impressive bruising, but for the most part I am damn lucky to be doing just fine. I’m not giving up on this bike-joring plan, I’m just going to more forward with more care and install a doo-dad that keeps the rope/bungee from getting tangled in the front wheel and add in some wrist protectors as well as a helmet. I am very lucky…please learn from my mistakes and think this crap through before attempting. ;-)
**kisses**

See that pole above the tire? Yeah, I shoulda had that…..

Give me 45 minutes my ass.

Okay, so I recently read this article that was SUPER inspiring, you know one of those articles that when you finish it you know your life has been changed for the better: you will be more beautiful, small woodland creatures will dress you and clean your home, you will feel the need to spin around in your front yard singing about all the joy in your life – picture a movie montage combining nerdy girl removes glasses and becomes hot meets Disney meets Sound of Music. I was ready. My life was a’changin; I was ready.

…..or not.

Before I go too far, here is the link for this COMPLETELY ACHIEVABLE article about how to become more productive by dedicating 45 minutes of your morning to yourself; but before you go and willy-nilly click on this please know that if you read this you will be all “I can do this” and “It seems easy” and “why not?” and for all I know this may be more sustainable/achievable for all y’all – this is just *my* experience, after all this is completely achievable – you can totally do this, it seems easy—so, why not?

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/productivity/give-45-minutes-the-morning-and-ill-give-you-more-productive-day.html

So, here are the basic steps:

  1. Wake up early – remember fear is still asleep at 5am!
  2. Exercise after breakfast for 15 minutes – exercise creates new neurons! health! yay!
  3. Meditate for 10 minutes – concentrate on breathing and center yourself!
  4. Write a journal for 10 minutes – get your thoughts in order!
  5. Spend 10 minutes with loved ones – embrace love and joy and remember that make you happy and then go to work!
  6. Plan your work day split between “crucial” and “easy wins” – decide what is critical!
  7. Do the crucial stuff right after giving yourself a few “easy wins” – checking things off – YAY!

Got it? Yep – it seems truly do-able and I know that it is correct – I do feel all productive n’ crap when I am up before dawn, etc.

So, here are the basic steps with what I was feeling when I first read this at around 4PM on a weekday:

  • Wake up early – remember fear is still asleep at 5am!
    • You know, I really did feel like I got more accomplished when I woke up early. I think this is a great idea!
  • Exercise after breakfast for 15 minutes – exercise creates new neurons! health! yay!
    • [pictures looking amazing while doing yoga in a beautiful field at sunrise]
  • Meditate for 10 minutes – concentrate on breathing and center yourself!
    • I can meditate right after the yoga; I am going to be so ZEN! This is going to be amazing!
  • Write a journal for 10 minutes – get your thoughts in order!
    • I can *finally* get back to writing in my blog – just 10 minutes a day. I will be so relaxed and zen I bet I will be HILARIOUS!!
  • Spend 10 minutes with loved ones – embrace love and joy and remember that make you happy and then go to work!
    • [pictures romping with the dogs in this beautiful field where I did yoga and meditated]
  • Plan your work day split between “crucial” and “easy wins” – decide what is critical!
    • Got it! Super pumped!
  • Do the crucial stuff right after giving yourself a few “easy wins” – checking things off – YAY!
    • Yep! Got it! I am READY!!

Ah yes, I felt so excited, so inspired, that I failed to ask myself some very important questions about reality – such as, where in the fuck is this magical field where the yoga, meditation, and dog rompery takes place???

And here we have the basic steps again with my feelings in the morning.

  • Wake up early – remember fear is still asleep at 5am!
    • 5am…..no. ain’t fraid nothing anyway *grabs that asleep fear and spoons*
    • 6am…..hell no. stupid. awake bad. sleep good. stupid internet…trying to make me do stupid things. hate. up bad. hate up. sleep good. pillow best friend.
    • 6:30ish…..grab medication organizer, swallow morning meds.
    • 7am…..FUCK! okay, I am awake…..snooze…….No, wait…I will meditate, that’s on the list……..*breathe in….breathe out….snores*
    • 7:30ish…..*blinking* I really have to pee, head that way, trip over dogs, cuss, let dogs out, kitten runs out to become this weird ninja kitten where he walks on his back legs and attacks things that aren’t there – it’s adorable.
    • 7:50ish……inject other meds
    • 7:52ish……find pants!!! oooooh…..shiny internets…
    • 8:14ish…..find. and. put. on. pants!!!!
    • 8:17ish……crap! work! leave house.
  • Exercise after breakfast for 15 minutes – exercise creates new neurons! health! yay!
    • fuck making new neurons, I barely used old ones!
  • Meditate for 10 minutes – concentrate on breathing!
    • totally did this earlier…..sort of.
  • Write a journal for 10 minutes – get your thoughts in order!
    • I’ll write a blog post later! (I say this a lot)
  • Spend 10 minutes with loved ones – embrace love and joy and remember what makes you happy and then go to work!
    • letting them out to pee and watching the kitten ninja TOTALLY COUNTS!
  • Plan your work day split between “crucial” and “easy wins” – decide what is critical!
    • isn’t it all crucial? shit, the easy stuff is already done. *sigh*
  • Do the crucial stuff right after giving you a few “easy wins” – checking things off – YAY!
    • *scowling* stupid internet with your stupid ideas of stupid.

It will not be a shock to most of you to know I was a late bloomer. I didn’t really understand much of anything and I remember having an epiphany in my early 20s that just because you know you are crazy doesn’t mean you can stop the crazy. Apparently a young H believed that if you could make a crazy person believe they were crazy then that would fix them and the crazy would be gone. Holy crap, I was dumb. Anywhoodle, the same applies here – If you follow these morning guidelines you WILL be happier, more efficient, healthier, and more productive. Even the growly 5am version of me knows this – but that bitch just refuses to get out of bed to drag a yoga mat into the soggy, dew-covered yard avoiding dog poop to do yoga while the dogs dance on her head and the kitten attacks her feet after stuffing food into her face and calculating how much insulin to take with it but ensuring enough time has passed from that one medication that can’t be taken with food and then sit very still thinking about breathing before writing about my feelings. The 5am version of me doesn’t have many feelings beyond LOVE for my pillow and HATE for the up; she is wise.

Have a great day y’all

-H.