So, ever feel like crap and groan to yourself in an overly dramatic fashion as you writhe on the bed in a decidedly unattractive manner while praying both FOR and AGAINST death? Well, that’s how I spent my Sunday night; I can’t recommend it at all. 😦
Last night I went out to a business dinner type doo-dad even though my acid reflux was trying to eat the enamel off of my teeth and all I wanted to do was snuggle with dogs. However, tired dogs are good dogs so I hooked them up and took Herbert (puppy) and Life (old girl dog) to the restaurant (I left Teak at home to give him a break from puppy)(yeah yeah, it’s st. croix–there are some dog friendly and some non-dog friendly; you just have to know which is which). Ordered dinner which I picked at…just wasn’t hungry as I had a funny tummy for 2 days. But I always have fun with the beasties because folks love to pet and play with my dogs so I was happy I went out. The painful rolling nasty feeling woke me up around 11pm. I ran to the bathroom in the hopes of…well, going to the bathroom; nothing happened. So I went back to bed and I wished I could relieve the pressure and a stabbing pain in my belly. Seriously, I would have given my pinkie toe for just a fart. I thought I had food poisoning based on pain; thankfully I don’t think that is the case (ah, food poisoning–where you pray NOT to fart) but I am mortified (MORTIFIED) that I figured out what is wrong with me. With this one realization I now know with a certainty that I am incredibly old. Cabbage. Mother fucking cabbage is trying to kill me. Once vegetables start kicking your ass you know you are one small step away from not being able to sit in comfortable chairs because you will be unable to get up. Soon I will need to go buy a hard wooden chair or else I will end up trapped on my couch. Fucking cabbage. On friday night after class I was hungry but, well, it was like 9pm and I thought, I know…I will saute some cabbage for dinner; that will be tasty. So I did and then ate a big old bowl of cabbage. Didn’t eat anything too crazy on Saturday but Saturday early evening my stomach started aching pretty badly. I attempted the bathroom manuever again with limited success but didn’t think much about it until the pain fest what was Sunday night. On Sunday afternoon I ate a large coleslaw for lunch…dammit! more fucking cabbage. So, this horrible stomach roiling hellfest of doom that is my stomach is so ouchie and I woke up this morning certain of my impending death. Then, thankfully, I farted. Then I realized I wasn’t sick, got dressed and came to work.
What you should have learned from this message is DON’T EAT A CRAP TON OF CABBAGE; IT WILL HURT LATER.
You know what I figured out today?