Okay, i know.

I know, I know. I know I’m supposed to remain professional but when the safety notification for the day is to tell the employees not to let their children gnaw on Xmas trees and all I can picture is a small toddler attacking a tree like a trained Rottweiler attacking a suspended tire, it is incredibly hard not to snort.
It just is.
So remember kids, no attacking the tree. Trees are our friends.

Everyone is depressed. Yeah, me too.

I read blogs.  I find them vastly more interesting that a lot of fiction out there and often a lot more uplifting than the news.   Don’t get me wrong, I read the news, however all of my news is read off of  www.fark.com – they don’t write the news; they mock it.  🙂

Anyway, yes.  I’m depressed and it has been a fight to drag myself out of the deep dark hole of doom.  I don’ t know how to explain how exhausting, how annoying I find myself, or even how I use up all of my energy just getting through my work week.  There is a blogger who explains it so much better than I can (and she uses pictures; everyone loves pictures) : http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

I have not reached the ‘nothing can do anything to me’ freedom of the above referenced blog posting, but I’m getting there.  My depression phases in a pretty predictable ways: 1. doing okay.  2.  bad things happen and I respond in plucky, self-reliant, admirable ways.  3.  more bad things happen–I keep going pluckily.  4. Something completely inane happens (THERE IS NO MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP ICE CREAM ON THIS ENTIRE ISLAND!!!!) and I LOSE MY EVER  LOVING MIND (which begins listing every single bad thing that has happened throughout my life including that time some mean kids made fun of my red-polka-dotted shoes in elementary school and…and…and…) and I sob like an idiot or WORSE go completely numb for a few days and then sob like an idiot while my dogs circle me wondering if food lady has completely run out of food and that is why she is so sad and here we can share this squeaky toy? please stop crying food lady.  5. and then I’m better? no.  not even close.  it’s a slow climb from the depths of hell and because I get so depressed my immune system says “good luck, fool” and leaves for a while which means I get a cold or something else stupid and then I keep climbing.  Sometimes I slip, but I do get back up to ‘normal’ eventually but it seems to take me twice as long to get out of it than it does to fall into the ‘hole’.   I literally use all of my energy faking normal getting through my workday.  By the time I’m home I am lucky to make it to the bedroom to sleep.  When people ask what I’m doing and I jauntily reply – sleep.  That is not an exaggeration.   Now, I should make it clear that I work a minimum of 10-12 hours per day and there is nothing fun going on in my life.  But I am never sure if the lack of fun is due to the depression, or if the depression is made worse from the lack of fun.  It’s a nasty spiral, isn’t it?

If nothing else, I am in the company of amazing people because some of my best friends and some of my favorite blog reads seems to dealing with many of the same issues.  Depression and other mental illnesses are often looked at as a weakness.  That no-one suffering has the strength of will to ‘snap out of it’ or just ‘be happy’.  Please know that no-one *wants* to feel this low or alone.  Depression is a sneaky jerk who tells you the world would be better without you.  That no-one really wants you around.  Do your best to ignore the sneaky bastard.  He lies.

Every one of the ladies who writes below is dealing with depression…different levels, different coping mechanisms.  They also write hoolarious other stuff which keeps me vastly entertained. 🙂  

I will be okay.  If you are dealing with depression or the like, you will be okay too.  It just takes time. 








Too. Much. To. Share…

Ok,  lots be happening and I have absolutely NO time to explain it all; so this may end up being the most convoluted blog post in the history of the ever.  I’m going to list…whenever I can’t make items flow, I list.  Here we go:
1.  I love prune juice.  But whoa, too much is too much. I always get the “poor non pooping girl” look when I buy it, which is embarrassing enough.  But if you accidentally drink 1 swallow too much of the tart tasty goodness, well…you learn quickly why people use it to poop.
2.  I hate the word idiopathic.  Just do people the favor and don’t try to make it sound smart that “shrugs, we don’t know”…I have a dog with we don’t know why epilepsy and I keep getting an infection with a big old we don’t know why as well. 
3.  I hate that I put a passcode on my phone, but I never remember to change it and just have a minor spurt of rage every time I try to use my phone. 
4.  I met with someone who for lack of a better term is a mentor.  She works here, is teeny but holds her own on the fire department.  And she is mildly bad-ass in meetings.   I want to be he when I grow up (not teeny, but badass). She helped me out while making the “where to work” decision and she wanted an update on how things were going.  As we ate lunch and I told the story of my new job her jaw got wider and wider.  Bright side: it felt good to talk to someone.  Downside: when the mentor indicates in a well-bred polite manner that you’re fuct, you’re pretty well fuct. 

5. I was completely unaware until 06:27 on November 10, 2011 that it is possible to sneeze vomit. And please let me tell you that I am not a fan.  I felt vomit a’comin, ran to toilet, sneezed 3 times and then puked.  All I can say to that is what. the. hell. Body?  I called in sick.  I just can’t handle a sneeze-vomit day. I took an allergy pill and now am in bed trying not to move because I feel carsick. 
I have no more words about that except it has been a while since I’ve been sick un-related to the host of other diseases and problems.  I don’t feel good and would like to whine now. 
Feel poopy. 

Huh. Anyone own a time machine?

You ever make a wrong move? A wrong choice which later becomes so glaringly painful all you can do is ride the pain? Taking this new job was a giant mistake. 
Not a little mistake–thus far the worst career move I ever made. 
I suppose I was due. 
I spent my entire career making some delicious lemonade out of some funky wrong lemons, lemme tell ya. 🙂 
I graduated from college with a degree in environmental science and biology which prepared for a job in……nothing.  Not true really, I was quite skilled in charming people as well as being very environmentally annoying condescending aware. 
So, given my extensive work experience in college as well as all of my contacts in the area it made much more sense for me to marry and move in with a man who lived 500+ miles away from everyone and everything I knew so he could continue with his part time career in retail.  ~head-desk-if I only knew then what I know now –I was ever so young and stupid~
So funky lemon with which I launched a decent career in occupational health.  Fyi, that cavalier sentence took over a decade of my life to actually do; so read it again for me and try to give it some gravitas or something. 

Over and over I got lucky, was in the right place at the right time, worked harder, worked smarter, begged, pleaded, and charmed my way up the career ladder.  Received more responsibility, made some mistakes….but made some good moves too.  I remained my weird self, but was often liked because I was different rather than in spite of;  I was lucky and blessed. 

Well, I fuckered that up pretty darn well. 

I will go into this further in a future post but for now I have to go to sleep to wake up and fight for survival again tomorrow.  The delicious tragedy of the entire situation is that I really thought for once in my career I was choosing the easier path.  Now I know why I always took the harder-appearing road; the bright sunny easy-looking road is the one full of unexpected and deep soul destroying painful potholes.