emotions, v8 chapter 3

Good evening everyone.
So. Emotional breakdown #fitty-eleven happened today because the dish network installer guy no-showed me.
You wouldn’t think that in and of itself would cause an emotional breakdown. But there lives the wondrous horror of divorce.
Going along, doing fine–then BLAMMO!
So….yeah. Good times.

Getting down to the details of divorce is like crying over a corpse of a deceased loved one. You know they are dead and gone, but you keep hurting nonetheless.

Ugh. Too stressy to talk about.
Anyway, get some rest. I will try.

it happened

It happened for the first time in so long: I was homesick.
A stomach clenching pain filled breath-taking moment of am I doing the right thing I’m so alone I want to be on my couch in illinois safe and home and not alone not alone not alone omg so alone.
It sucked.
I feel like I have failed the game of life. You know the one, the find the husband, house, kids, happily ever after stupidity they fed us as children.
But, my moment of doubt and deep loneliness has passed; I will be okay.
Am I making the right choice? Yes. Because as I continue failing at the game of life–I don’t want to drag anyone else down with me.
I need the freedom to not be the responsible rule follower I have been since I was younger. I need to make choices, relax, and learn who I am.
It is scary; incredibly scary.
I can do this.
I have to.

hey, hi…yeah, i know

So…yeah. My world’s imploded.
It is *really* hard, fyi, knowing that people who read this know about me getting a divorce, knowing how much I’m going through, know how un-funny my life is at the moment. And yet, sometimes something funny happens and I want to share. Then I don’t because I don’t want anyone to think I’m not “grieving properly”. ~sigh~
Anyway, something funny happened this morning. Ready? I have a wall lizard who has been around a while. I named him Zippy. Well this morning Zippy fell. He fell asleep and fell off the wall onto the light. Then he looked straight at me with a decided, “that didn’t happen” expression on his face. Cracked me the hell up.

Alright. Back to work. Miss ya’ll.