Y’all!!! I done got flirted with today!

No, seriously. I have been out of the flirtation game for a while now, and if you want the truth? Never was very good at flirting. My big “move” back in the day was pizza and a movie and a “will you rub lotion on my back?”

So, random rather panty-droppingly-handsome dude has a dog behavior problem, I offered to help, somehow that led to….well……I received a very nice penis photo, or dick pic, if you will.

Before anyone says, “but wait?! Your beloved? Won’t he be jealous/angry/whatever?” Haha! As soon as the chat turned flirty I contacted my beloved love muffin and said, “hey, I’m getting flirted with – you okay with this before I encourage anything?” He really IS the love of my life. **Dreamy Sigh**

So, as soon as dick pic made an appearance I immediately began doing the investigation. Don’t even lie, y’all do it to: size? (disturbingly impressive); is it level and plumb? (Yep! Could use that impressive tool as a, well, tool!); grooming (beautifully manscaped like he works in porn!); anything weird in the background? (not that I could see). Well, hot damn. What we have here is a rare mythical unicorn indeed – an attractive penis.

I have always considered myself a connoisseur of penises and in my experience, the really oversized dicks tend to be disappointing. No, really. I’m sure there are exceptions out there (at least I hope so!), but the few really obscenely large penises I have seen are usually unveiled by the dude in a rather, “Tah-Dah!” manner and that’s about all the effort they put in.

So, to recap: I got flirted with, it was kinda hot.

Happy Thursday. 😍

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I hurt my butt.

I did. I hurt my ass. Specifically, I hurt my left assular area and, sadly depressingly to my dismay, I did NOT do it in any sort of fun kinky way.
I slipped and fell pretty hard a couple of weeks ago which apparently enraged a teeny tiny (I know!? A teeny tiny anything in my butt?! I was also excited.) muscle known as the pyriformis. Lil’ Pyri (as I call it) became lonely in his (don’t know why, but Lil’ Pyri feels like a dude) outrage of me slipping in water and landing on him, that he roped my sciatic nerve in to rock out at an ongoing pain party. I attempted to follow the “ignore it and it will go away” plan for the first week which was incredibly successful at being unsuccessful. I’m now actively trying to make it better and it seems to be helping.

Or it was helping until tonight when I was lying here feeling a knot of sharp pain and thinking about how much worse it had gotten.
I complained. I whined. I bitched. Nothing about me bitching, whining, or complaining was helping to relieve the stabbing agony. At the pinnacle of deep pointy pain, I rolled over hoping to find relief and to my wonder, the pain moved.
My first super smart thought was, “huh, that’s odd”. Then I dug around where the pain had moved to and I found this:

No, this is not a kinky sex toy; this is the magnetic vent clip that I leave attached to my phone as a stand. I left the diet coke can in the frame for size reference.

That’s right people, was lying on the point of a phone stand.

Sometimes, my aptitude for ineptitude surprises and impresses even me.

Love,

H.

A dream…

I’m not really a dreamer.

I never have been. I remember my mother often talking about what she would do if she won the lottery and it was always a difficult thing for me to try to do. I have always let the universe guide (drag?) me wherever it did and I just make the best of it.

I think I just had my first ever day dream and it went something like, “holy crap that sounds amazing! I think I would really like this to happen! Yeeeeeessss!”

Now, please note – I am aware that it would be almost impossible for this to become reality. (Look at me, already killing off my very first “someday!”) But how amazing would it be to have a dog-training facility and dog park like this one?

https://dogsforlifevb.org/our-story/

Besides the training facilty, I would want to put in a self dog wash station, charge $15 or whatever to get the use of shampoo, conditioner, towels, and ergonomic wash the dog sink/tub (and rubber apron! LOL).

The dog park would be critical, I would want a water feature for the dogs to play in, a sand pit for them to dig in, LOTS of shade and seating. We could have a picnic-type area and fire pit area which could be rented out for dog-friendly private parties. Also, a doggie playground with some *very* basic agility equipment.

Inside the training facility there should be a dog training book lending library and reading nook – because that sounds amazing to me.

A comfortable barn-like dog boarding facility and an area to raise puppies to train for balance-assist and blood sugar alert service dog training for those in need, especially veterans and the elderly.

There it is, my dream. It would be a metric crap ton of work. But hey, maybe someday, right?

Well, I’m annoyingly happy…

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m happy. I mean, I get annoyed, irritated, bitchy, overwhelmed, underwhelmed, and all the other roller coaster emo bullshit humanity goes through – but holy shit, I’m *happy*. My life is spectacularly mundane, but this morning while I was brewing my morning tea, I opened the dishwasher and found it had already been emptied and had an incredible rush of contentment and love.

Now, being a superstitious (paranoid?) sort, I’m usually afraid to admit to being happy or joyful as I expect the universe to immediately bitch-slap any happiness or joy right the fuck out of me (Important: if I die horribly today and/or a tsunami hits and/or I’m struck by lightning and/or something else equally horrific occurs- please let people know my superstition/paranoia was ACCURATE.), but I’ve decided to allow myself to feel the happy.

I’m just so annoyingly and happily in love with that guy I married. (*looks up to check ceiling isn’t collapsing!*)

Love y’all,

H.

I got cocky….

Ok. Here’s this morning’s hilariousness. Was on the toilet LITERALLY LOOKING UP “proud of myself” memes because I was adulting and feeling proud of myself for doing all the random (forgive the pun) crap that needed doing.
Wiped, flushed, toilet water began pouring from base of toilet.
Moral of story – don’t be proud while taking a shit. Universe will make you pay. 🤣🤣🤣

….so, how much gold do you think it’s going to take to fix the toilet? *laughing*

I won!

Okay, it’s not actually winning (but it totally is). I went to a holiday party last night (and this morning is a stark reminder of why drinking is not really my thing, also have no tolerance at all – 2 drinks and wooooo!) and I got to see one of my “ex’s” (using air quotes cause it was more extended time period of hookups than actual relationship) and I looked good. I usually do not get to see people that no longer see me naked looking good – case in point the last time I saw another “ex” I literally had on a green pore cleaning face mask. Such is my awkward life.

But last night I was in heels (screw my ankle, it’ll heal again!), a boob-emphasising dress, and my hair was down (true story, I’m 73% more attractive with my hair down).

Now, I have no emotional attachment to this guy and wish him nothing but happiness in life. But YAY! I won because I looked hotter now than I did back then! YAY!

😃😃😃