fuck it im nuts

So no shit, I’m nucking futs. My emotions are All Over the damn place. And let me be ever so specific that these are EMOTIONS. Not the petite emotions of a good girl; but the deep convicted oh shit here we go emotions of the slightly cracked. Here is some of the shit I’m dealing with:
1. How can I deal with the comparison in my own mind of needing to be dominated by a loving Master to relax and be truly lost in the moment and maintain the ability to function as a strong independent woman who, for the most part, is alone? Yeah. That’s a bitch.

2. I’m about as flawed as they come. But, get this, I love AND hate myself.
I expect flaws in everyone. Often celebrate the twisted nature of my friends and loved ones. Yet I’m horrified by my own life choices and actually hate myself (learned via drunk dialing voicemails. Yeah. That was…unpleasant)
(Random sidenote; the kitten who used to be cute and little is totally zenned out staring at the light. I was sure he was stoned but turns out there was a lizard up there….anywhoodle)

3. I can send sex rays out when drunk. My eyes burn with it. And holy hell is it noticed. Good to know. Scary power. Especially given #4 (wait for it….).

4. Ooookay. This is a biggun. Ready? I tossed this theory around with a close friend of mine (E). My IUD made me do it.
Yeah. I know the insanity of which I speak. I wouldn’t believe it either but listen to my evidence before you jump the gun: I am an intensely sensual person, always LOVED sex. Still do (although FML haven’t had any in a LONG time). There was a time in college where I could not get enough of my then boyfriend (~waves~) it was non stop drag him back to my bed. Turns out–i had a yeast infection. (Irritation leads to “attention” needing in the area. This is how spanish fly works…)
So, I had a plastic doo-dad covered in hormones into my un-used uterus. And my body was PISSED. It took me 3 years of irritation and rampant sex NEED before my body said, “fine ya dumb bitch, look what I can do” and gave me a hellish infection where I begged the doc to yoink it. After round 3 of antibiotics and trying to fix it “in place” she said “fuck it” and yoinked it (Loooooove my doctor) And poof, happy uterus happy vagina happy all of it.
Well. Huh.
But I no longer feel the need to grab people and beg them to fuck me 90% of my day.
And let’s be honest, its not like I’m mentally healthier.

Anyway. That’s about all going on right now. It’s enough.

In the realm of exciting greatness I’m taking a vacation in 2 weeks. And it is going to be relaxing and awesome.
And E may be happy I don’t try to grope her….aww, hell…I’ll still try. 😀

Ya ever?

So, coincidentally this weekend I had both the best and worst weekend. The best because I got my dryer.  Its just a regular dryer, converted to propane….the beauty of it is that I can now dry my clothes.  Yes, they dried when they hung up, but still….they are so dry and soft….~happy sigh~

The bad part was….well, it was a panic attack.  I started feeling anxious around 6pm.  No good reason, just nervous about nothing.  Thankfully I took an ativan at that moment because about 20 minutes later….clutching heart, couldn’t breathe….fuck. 

So….what triggered it? Well, demon finally got himself a real live girl. 🙂 I’m a firm believer everyone needs physical contact lest they go batshit insane.  I encouaged him to find someone.  I supported it completely.  So, why did my brain shortcircuit and tell my body it was dying while repeating the following: “u deserve no happiness, u are a bad person, u deserve nothing”? No fucking clue. 
I’m stressed out.  Feel lonely.  Rarely get any attention…..
Trying to figure out if I should try turing over a new leaf, I certainly felt all smug and good about turning a guy down last week.  So why the crash? No clue. 
Miss you all.

I ain’t dead.

But fuck, I might as well be.

Where to begin…okay, we all know where to begin—gots’a have my giggle about starting out a post with the words ‘but fuck’. ~giggle~ okay, now that’s out of the way, on we go to the post.

I am stressed. Unhappy. Did I mention stressed? I’m sitting here, drinking probiotic yogurt (kefir pomegranate if you want some insight into my glamorous lifestyle) waiting for the anti-anxiety meds to kick in. come on modern chemistry…you can dooooo it.

So, I have some news….ready? yeah it is crazy. ADD medicine killed my sex addiction. Who fucking knew? Okay, everyone has some level of ADD because, well, focusing on shit we don’t want to is insanely hard. Why? Because we don’t want to do it. A very nice woman named “R” stayed with me for a couple weeks…Gawd she was insanely hot and sweet and totally not into girls. Which is okay, because her friendship was something my soul needed (and everyone at work totally thought I was doing her and gave me a shit ton of street cred. J) Well, she was sort of the poster child for ADHD. She gave me some of her meds before she left and I took them expecting to get all speedy and get housework done. Instead I became calm, centered, quiet, and serene.

Then it all clicked. The hyperfocus, the procrastination, the empathy…crap. So, once I got in trouble at work (again) for my “off the cuff” remarks I went to the doctor and got my own prescription.

And low and behold—productive, sedate, professional, and sated. Yeah, me. The never-sated one.

It blows my freaking mind.

I got a kiss tonight, a gentle sweet kiss from someone who really wanted me. And it made me uncomfortable, my heart ached, I felt guilty…gack. A mess. That intense rush of almost drug-like euphoria I used to get from that first interaction was not there. And I couldn’t get lost and forget the world.

Shit. I could use some world forgetfulness right now.

Money – fucked up.

Relationships – uh, yeah. Seriously fucked up.

Work – OMG – there are no words for the level of fuckedupedness there. The racing over emotional place in my brain has been quieted (thank you modern chemistry) and allowed me to see everyone. I see the real everyone now and not the created façades that I always accepted. It is horrifying.

Closest co-worker – deeply insecure, although smart – feels superior to majority of people. Often comes off as an ass. Often is an ass. I used to think he was just misunderstood and really a good guy. Now I think he is alright, just not someone who would sacrifice for anyone else. Except maybe his wife.

Other close co-worker – says he thinks of me as a sister but really he is attracted to me but can’t figure out why. I would never seduce him because he would never forgive himself. Truly a good and happy soul. I love him as a brother.

Boss – the most intensely false human being I have ever worked with. Ambitious. Kind of a dick at times. He really prefers to talk to my closest co-worker rather than me, and in meetings with the 3 of us he will talk directly to closest co-worker and mostly ignore me. That always makes me very very angry. The most annoying part? He is a smart man who worries about other people as a whole; but seems to basically ignore me. I do not like to be ignored. Is it a woman thing? Maybe. Actually I think it really might be. I can’t stop trying to figure it out.

Psycho – his office got moved to my building. AWKWARD. Also, now that I work with him…the attraction is (mostly) dead. Sometimes we have great “moments”.

Blingy – Blingy put in his notice; he is moving to New York. I’m happy for him.

Okay, so that’s all I have. My brain hurts.

Oh, and continued work stress – we find out in 2 weeks if this place is going on strike. If it does…well, we are already fucked up, what’s so far past fucked up that fucked up looks like a wee little dot on the horizon? Yeah…that’s us.

Goodnight everyone, I’m exhausted.


>so i looked in the rearview mirror…

>Yesterday i looked into my rearview mirror on my to court and thought, “holy shit! I have compound hair!”
This led me to stop and think the following: 1. im watching way too much “big love” lately (for those of you who do not watch HBO shows big love is about a polygamous dude and his 3 crazy wives. Anyway, when the storyline of that show goes to “the compound” i’m always amazed at he height of the women’s bangs.) 2. this is not a good look for me. 3. I Really need to look in the mirror and/or brush my hair in the morning.
So, if you are a bit more focused on the “why is heather going to court” part of that last (we shall loosely call a) paragraph, do not fret! I was on my way to fight some traffic tickets which i successfully did as it was a cop no-show.
Work has been unpleasant of late. Lots of problems, both in the equipment, the processes, and worst of all (for me) is the politics. i do not like political shit, trying to scrabble and crawl over one another to make yourself look better. ugh. hate it. so work, not gonna talk about work except to say i have learned more about industrial hygiene in an oil refinery than i ever thought possible. and im still learning…
the court thing, well i went to fight some traffic tickets.

hope this finds everyone well!