So no shit, I’m nucking futs. My emotions are All Over the damn place. And let me be ever so specific that these are EMOTIONS. Not the petite emotions of a good girl; but the deep convicted oh shit here we go emotions of the slightly cracked. Here is some of the shit I’m dealing with:
1. How can I deal with the comparison in my own mind of needing to be dominated by a loving Master to relax and be truly lost in the moment and maintain the ability to function as a strong independent woman who, for the most part, is alone? Yeah. That’s a bitch.
2. I’m about as flawed as they come. But, get this, I love AND hate myself.
I expect flaws in everyone. Often celebrate the twisted nature of my friends and loved ones. Yet I’m horrified by my own life choices and actually hate myself (learned via drunk dialing voicemails. Yeah. That was…unpleasant)
(Random sidenote; the kitten who used to be cute and little is totally zenned out staring at the light. I was sure he was stoned but turns out there was a lizard up there….anywhoodle)
3. I can send sex rays out when drunk. My eyes burn with it. And holy hell is it noticed. Good to know. Scary power. Especially given #4 (wait for it….).
4. Ooookay. This is a biggun. Ready? I tossed this theory around with a close friend of mine (E). My IUD made me do it.
Yeah. I know the insanity of which I speak. I wouldn’t believe it either but listen to my evidence before you jump the gun: I am an intensely sensual person, always LOVED sex. Still do (although FML haven’t had any in a LONG time). There was a time in college where I could not get enough of my then boyfriend (~waves~) it was non stop drag him back to my bed. Turns out–i had a yeast infection. (Irritation leads to “attention” needing in the area. This is how spanish fly works…)
So, I had a plastic doo-dad covered in hormones into my un-used uterus. And my body was PISSED. It took me 3 years of irritation and rampant sex NEED before my body said, “fine ya dumb bitch, look what I can do” and gave me a hellish infection where I begged the doc to yoink it. After round 3 of antibiotics and trying to fix it “in place” she said “fuck it” and yoinked it (Loooooove my doctor) And poof, happy uterus happy vagina happy all of it.
But I no longer feel the need to grab people and beg them to fuck me 90% of my day.
And let’s be honest, its not like I’m mentally healthier.
Anyway. That’s about all going on right now. It’s enough.
In the realm of exciting greatness I’m taking a vacation in 2 weeks. And it is going to be relaxing and awesome.
And E may be happy I don’t try to grope her….aww, hell…I’ll still try. 😀