I ain’t dead.

But fuck, I might as well be.

Where to begin…okay, we all know where to begin—gots’a have my giggle about starting out a post with the words ‘but fuck’. ~giggle~ okay, now that’s out of the way, on we go to the post.

I am stressed. Unhappy. Did I mention stressed? I’m sitting here, drinking probiotic yogurt (kefir pomegranate if you want some insight into my glamorous lifestyle) waiting for the anti-anxiety meds to kick in. come on modern chemistry…you can dooooo it.

So, I have some news….ready? yeah it is crazy. ADD medicine killed my sex addiction. Who fucking knew? Okay, everyone has some level of ADD because, well, focusing on shit we don’t want to is insanely hard. Why? Because we don’t want to do it. A very nice woman named “R” stayed with me for a couple weeks…Gawd she was insanely hot and sweet and totally not into girls. Which is okay, because her friendship was something my soul needed (and everyone at work totally thought I was doing her and gave me a shit ton of street cred. J) Well, she was sort of the poster child for ADHD. She gave me some of her meds before she left and I took them expecting to get all speedy and get housework done. Instead I became calm, centered, quiet, and serene.

Then it all clicked. The hyperfocus, the procrastination, the empathy…crap. So, once I got in trouble at work (again) for my “off the cuff” remarks I went to the doctor and got my own prescription.

And low and behold—productive, sedate, professional, and sated. Yeah, me. The never-sated one.

It blows my freaking mind.

I got a kiss tonight, a gentle sweet kiss from someone who really wanted me. And it made me uncomfortable, my heart ached, I felt guilty…gack. A mess. That intense rush of almost drug-like euphoria I used to get from that first interaction was not there. And I couldn’t get lost and forget the world.

Shit. I could use some world forgetfulness right now.

Money – fucked up.

Relationships – uh, yeah. Seriously fucked up.

Work – OMG – there are no words for the level of fuckedupedness there. The racing over emotional place in my brain has been quieted (thank you modern chemistry) and allowed me to see everyone. I see the real everyone now and not the created façades that I always accepted. It is horrifying.

Closest co-worker – deeply insecure, although smart – feels superior to majority of people. Often comes off as an ass. Often is an ass. I used to think he was just misunderstood and really a good guy. Now I think he is alright, just not someone who would sacrifice for anyone else. Except maybe his wife.

Other close co-worker – says he thinks of me as a sister but really he is attracted to me but can’t figure out why. I would never seduce him because he would never forgive himself. Truly a good and happy soul. I love him as a brother.

Boss – the most intensely false human being I have ever worked with. Ambitious. Kind of a dick at times. He really prefers to talk to my closest co-worker rather than me, and in meetings with the 3 of us he will talk directly to closest co-worker and mostly ignore me. That always makes me very very angry. The most annoying part? He is a smart man who worries about other people as a whole; but seems to basically ignore me. I do not like to be ignored. Is it a woman thing? Maybe. Actually I think it really might be. I can’t stop trying to figure it out.

Psycho – his office got moved to my building. AWKWARD. Also, now that I work with him…the attraction is (mostly) dead. Sometimes we have great “moments”.

Blingy – Blingy put in his notice; he is moving to New York. I’m happy for him.

Okay, so that’s all I have. My brain hurts.

Oh, and continued work stress – we find out in 2 weeks if this place is going on strike. If it does…well, we are already fucked up, what’s so far past fucked up that fucked up looks like a wee little dot on the horizon? Yeah…that’s us.

Goodnight everyone, I’m exhausted.

-H.

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