Look at me! I had opinions! Weeeeeee!

What everyone may not know about me is that I’m fairly well, meh about things lately. I cannot say I am easy going because sometimes I’m a stubborn ass; but for the most part I am not preachy ’bout stuff (except (apparently) animal care and asbestos). There is just no need for me to share my political or religious views to everyone. They are mine. Now sex? Sex stuff I love to debate, think about, and share my opinions to anyone who happens to read this sucker. 🙂 So there I was, strolling along internet road and I came upon a cute and happy blog called loveashley.net. I have not read the whole thing (yes, I usually read blogs in their entirety, sometimes chronologically, sometimes randomly) but she wrote a book review of “Why Men Love Bitches”. It was a rather glowing review and at the bottom she placed the 100 attraction principles from the book. mmmmkay. As I continued reading I was mmmhmmming at a few; then the nuh-uhing started. Then there were a few HELL NOs and low and behold, I had a freakin’ opinion! Important to note I have not read this book and I am not in anyway reviewing the book. It could very well be the best book ever written and I may even read it at some point. I just noticed that these 100 points inspired me to argue and it has been a while since I have had that sense of inspiration.

So I thought I would share:

  • Anything a person chases in life runs away.
    • Okay, “anything” may be a bit strong; but I get the point that is trying to be made here and in the spirit of not being a stubborn ass I will not go on a tangent about chasing my dream career (blah blah you get what I mean). My point is that this is sort of true; but I don’t feel it is a good thing. If I find a person attractive I have been known to say to that person, “I find you extremely attractive”. If I want to have sex with a person I will often ask, “would you be interested in having sex with me?” Unfortunately in this day and age most non-kinky people FREAK THE HELL OUT when I do this. Why? Because of the game playing that people have developed to muck up a perfectly normal attraction. If the cat runs away from the dog the dog will chase the cat. In the majority of cases the dogs is not worried about the cat’s happiness; it is just the thrill of the chase. And to think there is a book of advice which tells women to set yourself up for a ‘chasin to get a man to love you irritates the ever living shit out of me. The next step to this little funfest is ‘he only hits me because he loves me so much’. Yes, I know that is a rather large jump but if you are going to lower the bar down to a predator prey reaction then that is what you get.
      • On another note-please stop teaching little girls that ‘he only hits you because he likes you’ in kindergarten. Start teaching girls to beat the fuck out of any little boy that ever touches her without permission.
  • The women who have the men climbing the walls for them aren’t always exceptional. Often, they are the ones who don’t appear to care too much.
    • Because nothing is more goddamn attractive to me then a man “climbing the walls”. I can say that this “advice” is fairly true. My bestest friend in all the land E has a melodic voice and pheromones that can drop a dude at 20 paces. Seriously, bitch be swarmed by men who LOOOOOVED her throughout college. Yes, she appeared not to care too much. Why? Because as a genuinely kind person she really did not want to hurt these guys by saying she didn’t like him “like that” (or worse). But that icy(ish) non caring façade she implemented to keep the creepers away probably kept some of the men she may have wanted to get to know away as well. As a side note: E *is* exceptional. Truly one of the best people on this planet. When I was younger (read: stupider) I was totally jealous of her ability to attract men. Nowadays, I know that I got the better end of the stick on that one. J
  • A woman is perceived as offering a mental challenge to the degree that a man doesn’t feel he has a 100 percent hold on her.
    • Heh? What? Yes, be smart…be yourself. But don’t fake shit to try to attract him.
  • Sometimes a man deliberately won’t call, just to see how you’ll respond.
    • Then that man, the weird game-playing one, is not the man for me. Now, should anyone turn into a crazy person and be all callymccally pants fitty-eleven times per day? No. you look lame. Knock it off; you are ACTING LAME. If someone isn’t interested in you sending them a lot of texts or calling and when they don’t answer YOU KEEP CALLING?!?! That is the most annoying thing in the entire fucking world. Stop that.
  • If you start out dependent, it turns him off. But if it is something he can’t have, it becomes more of a challenge for him to get it.
    • Just be who you fucking are, okay? If you are looking for someone to take care of you because you NEED that; be fucking honest about it. Don’t pretend to have your shit together and then freak out. I am hugely guilty of this because I have a very sane façade. I do tell people that I am an anxiety case with depressive tendencies. I’m poor as hell, but working on it.
  • It is your attitude about yourself that a man will adopt.
    • It is your attitude about yourself that everyone will adopt. This one I fully believe. Love yourself first. If you don’t like yourself; no-one will.
  • Act like a prize and you’ll turn him into a believer.
    • Bitch, don’t “act” like anything. You are a prize and if you don’t feel that you are you have more work to do on yourself before you should start any sort of relationship.
  • The biggest variable between a bitch and a woman who is too nice is fear. The bitch shows that she’s not afraid to be without him.
    • Be nice; don’t be fucking weak. I’m nice to a great number of people. Not because I’m afraid but because I get a little happy boner when someone else’s life gets better. You have to be a whole person, by yourself, before ever attempting to be with someone. This is a hard thing to realize and an even harder thing to do. But for the sake of yourself—you have to do it.
  • If the choice is between her dignity and having a relationship, the bitch will prioritize her dignity above all else.
    • Yup. If those are my choices; I would go dignity over relationship. But when I am doing kinky bedroom stuff this does not apply. J
  • When a woman doesn’t give in easily and doesn’t appear docile or submissive, it becomes more stimulating to obtain her.
    • *chuckle* okay, umm, I don’t feel I should answer this one. Okay, getting head out of the bedroom (where, depending on the kink factor, this statement could be complete BULLSHIT). Actually, fuck it. This is bullshit. Just be your damn self.
  • Being right on the verge of getting something generates a desire that has to be satisfied.
    • I don’t even know what to say here. Are they telling me to be a cum-tease? Like, get em close and then duck out? Whatever, I say be yourself.
  • A man knows which woman will give in to last-minute requests.
    • Thank the Gods that men have a new super psychic power that lets them know who is up for a booty call? As an FYI, I have made a booty call or two and oddly enough–I am female. Where do we get this fancy new power? Can women use it too? Or is it part of the penis? If it is the penis can we utilize the clitoris instead?
    • On a more serious note: this is some bullshit. If you want to have sex. Have ‘the sex’. If you are using sex as some sort of ‘relationship getter’ plan—stop it. It’s wrong and you are fucking it up for the rest of us. Stop peeing in my fucking pool.
  • Whether you have terms and conditions indicates whether you have options. Almost immediately, you present yourself as a doormat or a dreamgirl.
    • Well, that’s a hella jump—doormat OR dreamgirl? Hmmm. I have terms and conditions. My conditions include a negative rapid HIV test, condom use, mutual attraction, and a list of hard limits. Woohooo—I’se a dreamgirl. Decide what is important to you. Decide your hard limits (things you will NOT do). Discuss what you want out of an encounter—a friendship? A relationship? A one and done? Be smart about things…choose what is important to you because if you don’t put yourself first—no one else will.
  • If you smother him, he’ll go into defense mode and look for an escape route to protect his freedom.
    • I have a perfect example of how this is complete and utter bullshit. There is a guy—we shall call him “internet installer guy”. He and I are not meant to ever have anything like a relationship. About every 6 months or so I will hear from IIG and we will talk for a few days, get together and have mindblowing sex for a solid 15 hours. Before we get together I remind him that I require attention after that intense night, which means a few texts a day and an occasional phone call for about 5 days. I need that. I know this about myself. He knows this too. And you know what? He does it, every damn time. After then he sort of drifts out of my mind until I think about IIG and we start talking….endless cycle of good. Why? Because we both know what we want/need, we talk about it, and we enjoy each other. So when I say learn yourself first AND THEN be honest with the person you want to be with about it, please understand that comes from years of learning who I am, what I need, and understanding that honesty is the only way to be happy.
  • Whenever a woman requires too many things from a man, he’ll resent it. Let him give what he wants to give freely; then observe who he is.
    • GACK! See above. If you NEED it. You need it. Stop trying to play some kind of game. Observing who each of you are is something that is godsdamned important THROUGHOUT YOUR ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP. Whether that be a relationship of one night or one hundred years. That is part of the social contract of a relationship.
  • A bitch gives a man plenty of space so he doesn’t fear being trapped in a cage. Then..he sets out to trap her in his.
    • First mother fucker to attempt to trap me in a cage I will beat until bloody. This is (again) all complete bullshit. Stop setting traps for anyone, be who you are if you are happy with yourself. If you aren’t—fix it. No other person will complete you (regardless of whatever the deaf couple in the elevator on that movie said).
  • If you tell him you are not interested in jumping into a relationship with both feet, he will set out to try to change your mind.
    • ~H performs complete fussy dance in chair~ GAAAAAAAH!!! This is the problem. Right here. If you are looking for a relationship—tell them. No, not on the first meeting, but lets say you meet a hottie who happens to have a brain too! Then you have things in common…then you date…then you FUCKING TELL THEM WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR. If they aren’t into that—great, we are friends. Cool. Don’t go expecting to change anyone’s mind about what they want and you better sure as hell not try to change mine. ~growl~
  • Always give the appearance that he has plenty of space. It gets him to drop his guard.
    • So you can what…knife him? What in the fuckity fuck are you attempting to do to other people that you need to give the appearance of space AND get them to drop their guard? This is shit you do when physically fighting someone…not attempting to begin a relationship.
  • More than anything else, he watches to see if you’ll be too emotionally dependent on him.
    • ~walks to wall; bangs head; repeats~ yes. Obviously, time to be ever so wary and watch to see if she has that thing you can catch…you know, emotions.
  • He must feel that you choose to be with him, not that you need to be with him. Only then will he perceive you as an equal partner.
    • Okay, had to take a little break there. I was feeling these opinions a little too strongly. I am going to break this one down simply. Yes, choosing is important. I have chosen to spend time with this person; conversely, they have chosen to spend time with me. What is done with that time and how long that time will last is decided by both partners. That said, both people need to be equal from the start; both people bring value to the interaction(s).
  • If a man has to wait before he sleeps with a woman, he’ll not only perceive her as more beautiful, he’ll also take him time to appreciate who she is.
    • BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT – stop using sex as anything other than sex. Damn it. It is not a tool; it is not a leverage point. It is a fun, physical, amazing, orgasmic, joyful act of celebrating yourself and another (and more, if you’re into that sort of thing). As soon as you start treating people as things to be manipulated is when humanity fails—so fucking knock it off.
  • Sex and the “spark” are not one and the same.
    • True. But they are both awesome.
  • Before sex, a man isn’t thinking clearly and a woman is thinking clearly. After sex, it reverses. The man is thinking clearly and the woman isn’t.
    • Shenanigans! (polite BULLSHIT). Trust me that being cum-stupid is something that both sexes suffer. And it is awesome. And no-one should be thinking clearly right before sex…however, during the discussion of wants, needs, hard limits, pregnancy prevention, sti prevention, where the toys are, safe words, cutmefree scissor location, fire extinguisher, first aid kit, extra lock keys, chains, whips, cuffs, clamps, condoms, ropes….you know, all the normal sex stuff 😉 those discussions are to be had at any time as long as it is NOT right before you have sex. If you need to be cuddled—tell the other person. If you hate to be touched after orgasm—tell the other person. If you want a finger up your butt—for goodness sake tell the other person. People are not mindreaders. Just because someone is wonderful and perfect in every way doesn’t mean they will magically know you can only get off if you’re spanked. And if you don’t explain what it is you need it is not fair to blame the other person for not being psychic. Okay?
  • Every man wants to have sex first; whether he wants a girlfriend is something he thinks about later. By not giving him what he wants up front, you become his girlfriend without him realizing it.
    • Because you are attempting to have a relationship with someone WITHOUT HIM REALIZING IT? What the fuck is wrong with the person giving this advice? I’m going to tell you a secret people, you may not be aware. Sex. Is. Fun. No, really it is. Men like it, Women like it…it is a damn amusement park of awesome.
  • A man intuitively senses whether sexuality comes from a place of security or from a place of neediness. He knows when a woman is having sex to appease him.
    • The stupid; it burns.
  • Bad habits are easier to form than good ones, because good habits require conscious effort. Waiting encourages this effort.
    • This comment makes no sense to me either. Waiting for what—I am going to assume they are saying waiting to have sex. How is NOT having sex a good habit? If one partner is not fulfilled there is something wrong. That either needs to be fixed by talking about it and determining a compromise as a solution. Or it is time to move on.
  • If you pull the sexual plug at the last minute, he’ll label you a tease.
    • You fucking do whatever you need to do regardless of whatever someone will label you. Are you fucking kidding me? I get a feeling the people (person?) behind this advice are (is) they type of human which separates rape into “rape” and “rape rape”. ~face-desk-cry~
  • If he makes you feel insecure, let your insecurity be your guide.
    • Oh. My. Fucking. God. What the hell does this mean? If I feel hungry…let hunger be my guide. If I feel stupid…let stupidity be my guide.
  • A quality guy fantasizes about a woman who genuinely loves sex.
    • Uh…okay. And? (pssst. Most people love sex. It’s fun–if it is not fun you are doing it wrong)
  • Any time a woman competes with another woman, she demeans herself.
    • Yep. This here is a nugget of truth in a pile of poop. Read it again just for the joy of it.
  • When there is that undeniable “spark,” there is only one key to the lock.
    • Yes, fuck each other and see if it feels good. J Oh, wait…okay. I think this is a virginal chastity belt wedding ring thing? I don’t know, but regardless it is bullshit.
  • Let him think he’s in control. He’ll automatically start doing things you want done because he’ll always want to look like “a king” in your eyes.
    • Is it just me or are some of these contradicting some of the other ones? Or maybe I have been staring at them too long, I just don’t know. Stop attempting to manipulate someone into a relationship.
  • When you cater to his ego in a soft way, he doesn’t try to get power in an aggressive way.
    • I keep reading this…and it still makes no more sense to me. I gots nuttin.
  • When you appear softer and more feminine, you appeal to his instinct to protect. When you appear more aggressive, you appeal to his instinct to compete.
    • Just be who you are and find someone who is compatible for you. Attempting to “appear” or “act” differently than you are will not lead you to happiness in the future. Happiness and love is not a con you are pulling on someone.
  • He’ll let a woman who becomes his doormat pay for dinner on the first couple of dates, but he wouldn’t think of it with his dreamgirl.
    • The fuck?
  • The token power position is for public display, but the true power position is for private viewing only. And this is the only one that matters.
    • Huh?
  • If you give him a feeling of power, he’ll want to protect you and he’ll want to give you the world.
    • Dude. Just….I mean. GACK—just stop manipulating.
  • When a woman acts as though she’s capable of everything, she gets stuck doing everything.
    • Acts? Fuck. Just don’t act. And if you feel you are doing to much FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT DAMMIT!
  • Men don’t respond to words. They respond to no contact.
    • Ah, the old no nookie approach. Bullshit. STOP using sex as a commodity to be bartered.
  • Talking about the “relationship” too much takes away the element of the “unknown” and thus the mystery.
    • Well yes. Sort of. Wait, nope. Talk about problems, find solutions. I don’t think you are removing mystery by talking. But if you are going to yammer on through every conversation about various problems that is just annoying. If there is no happy left, what is the point?
  • Men respect women who communicate in a succinct way, because it’s the language men use to talk to one another.
    • The fuck? I can only talk in short sentences because caveman no like long ones? Stop attempting to manipulate people.
  • When you are always HAPPY; And he is always free to GO; he feels LUCKY.
    • When you are always HAPPY? What fucking antidepressant are you on? I want that kind. And darlings? We all have the freedom to leave a bad relationship.
  • If you allow your rhythm to be interrupted, you’ll create a void. Then, to replace what you give up, you’ll start to expect and need more from your partner.
    • *blink* didn’t I just comment on one that had something to do with changing a routine to make him want you more or something else stupid? Now this one is all don’t change it up cause then you will need more. Just…I mean…. Seriously?
  • Most women are starving to receive something from a man that they need to give to themselves.
    • I don’t hate this statement…but I don’t love it. “most women”? really? (looks down) yep, imma woman. That said, I feel everyone needs to tend to themselves a little more.
  • A woman looks more secure in a man’s eyes when he can’t pull her away from her life, because she is content with her life.
    • Who cares what you look like? Be content with you and your life. Don’t play these stupid games.
  • The second a woman works overtime to make herself fit his criteria, she has lowered the standard of that relationship.
    • Actually, at that point she has lowered her standard of self. Everyone has to decide what kind of person they want to be; to change for anyone but yourself is a fool’s errand.
  • You jump through hoops any time you repeatedly make it very obvious you’re giving your “all.”
    • I think this statement is saying that you shouldn’t give your all? Not too sure. I think everyone needs to respect that with any relationship there is going to be give and take. As long as you are happy with how things are in your unique relationship—rock on. If you are not happy—figure out why, discuss it, and decide what you want to do from that point on.
  • You have to keep from being sucked down into quicksand. Unless you maintain control over yourself, the relationship is doomed.
    • The dooooooooooom. Sorry, I love the word doom. Dooooooooom.
  • Jumping through hoops often has a negative outcome: He sees it as an opportunity to have his cake and eat it, too. But when you stay just outside his reach, he’ll stay on his best behavior.
    • I hate that expression. If I have cake I mother fucking want to eat it.
  • The nice girl gives away too much of herself when pleasing him regularly becomes more important than pleasing herself.
    • Actually, this is not the worst of these. Always remember to fill your own cups
  • The relationship may not be right for you if you find yourself jumping through hoops. When something is right, it will feel easier and much more effortless.
    • True…sort of. Actually, easier and effortless is bullshit regarding a functional relationship. If shit is not working, it just isn’t working and it is time to move on. To think there is a magical person out there who will want everything you want is also bullshit. Once you throw two people (or more, if that is your thing) together you end up with a fun mix of everyone’s individual crazy. To stay together happily you have to learn to change and grow together and not apart. Think back about 5 years ago, you are not the same person you used to be—no-one is. To grow with someone happily will never be effortless nor even easy—but it will be absolutely fucking worth it.
  • When you nag, he tunes you out. But when you speak with your actions, he pays attention.
    • No-one likes to be nagged. It is an ugly word that makes everyone think of a fishwife screeching at her husband. But take this statement and turn it around a little: ‘when you talk to her she doesn’t listen to you; but when you slap her around a little—she pays attention.’ Do you see how most of these statements are incredibly generalized and sexist portraying men as nothing but cavemanesque dolts who need to be manipulated into a relationship? It is frustrating to me because it is such a load of bullshit which perpetuates the stupidity in today’s dating society.
  • When a man takes a woman for granted, he still looks for reassurance that she is still “right there.”
    • True, regardless of sex.
  • When the routine becomes predictable, he’s more likely to give you the same type of love he had for his mother–and the odds that he will take you for granted increase.
    • Ew.
  • Negative attention is still attention. It lets a man know that he has you–right where he wants you.
    • ~head-desk~
  • When you treat him casually as though he’s a friend, he’ll come your way. Because he wants things to be romantic, but he also wants to be the pursuer.
    • Stop playing games, and talk and explain what you want.
  • A little distance combined with the appearance of self-control makes him nervous that he may be losing you.
    • Stop it.
  • A man takes a woman for granted when he’s interested, but will no longer go out of his way.
    • Huh?
  • When you nag, you become the problem, and he deals with it by tuning you out. But when you don’t nag, he deals with the problem.
    • I’m starting to want to scream.
  • If you take his chores away from him and praise someone else for doing it, he’ll want his chores back.
    • Stop playing games.
  • When you nag, he sees weakness.
    • Stop over thinking things, and stop trying to manipulate other people.
  • He perceives an emotional woman as more of a pushover.
    • Generalization much?
  • In the same way that familiarity breeds contempt; a slightly aloof demeanor can often renew his respect.
    • Stop playing games. Just stop.
  • He’ll forget what he has in you, unless you remind him.
    • Really? He will forget? Maybe you should rent a billboard to help him remember? Just remember to focus on a relationship as something that needs to be tended to by both parties and you will be much happier.
  • Many women talk a lot out of nervousness–which is something that men will often perceive as insecurity.
    • Changing this one up again: many people talk out of nervousness. If you are one of those people, tell the other person you are nervous. Talk about it.
  • Talking about feelings to a man will feel like work. When he’s with a woman, he wants it to feel like fun.
    • The fuck?
  • Forcing him to talk about feelings all the time will not only make you seem needy, it will eventually make him lose respect. And when he loses respect, he’ll pay even less attention to your feelings.
    • Um. If you aren’t able to work stuff out; move on. If you need someone to talk about feelings with—there is someone out there. Just be honest with who you are and your needs.
  • In the beginning, the only thing you need to pay attention to is whether he keeps coming around, because he’ll only be able to suspend or hide his emotions for so long.
    • This hurts my brain.
  • Men treat women the way they treat other men. They “play it cool: because they don’t want to appear weak or desperate.
    • Really? I know men pretty damn well. This is bullshit. Just fyi.
  • The element of surprise both inside and outside of the bedroom is important to men, and it adds to the excitement.
    • Surprises are fun unless it is something on my hard limit list in which case you are bounced out and never allowed to come over to play again. J
  • Don’t always do the same thing over and over in the bedroom. Vary it so that it doesn’t become a predictable routine.
    • Seriously? Do what works for your unique relationship. I will say that variety is important to me.
  • Most men tend to disrespect a woman who appears to be too malleable.
    • I would like to change this to say: most people tend to disregard people who appear too malleable.
  • Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself or speak your mind. It will not only earn his respect, in some cases it will even turn him on.
    • Yes, because obviously your only goal for standing up for yourself is to turn someone else on? ~face-palm~ People, stand up for yourself because you are worth it.
  • Men often automatically assume that a bitchier woman will be more assertive in bed, and that a nice girl will be more timid.
    • Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.
  • When a man falls in love, suddenly he’ll go out of his way and think nothing of it. He’ll do things for this woman he wouldn’t have done for anyone else.
    • Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.
  • He’ll never respect you as being able to hold your own unless you can stand on your own too feet financially.
    • Yeah, fair enough. I’m a financial nightmare at the moment so I don’t feel I should be allowed to comment. In theory this all makes good sense and I would be much happier if I were financially okay. I’m not expecting anyone to bail me out—so I am going to go with owning your finances. That’s right bitches, I own my mistakes. J
  • You have to show that you won’t accept mistreatment. Then you will keep his respect.
    • Absofuckinglutely. Fuck keeping his respect, mistreatment means he doesn’t get to know me anymore. The same goes for both sexes, btw.
  • Your pink slip is maintained when you can stand on your own–with him or without him. He should never feel that you are completely as his mercy.
    • And here we have another one I just don’t understand. I thought pink slip was getting fired. What is happening in this one? Brain…numb. send help.
  • When a man views a woman as a “little girl” or a sister he has to take care of, the passion diminishes. He doesn’t want to make love to his sister.
    • At least we hope not, cause ew. If you need to feel taken care of—look for a man who wants that. If you need to be independent and strong—look for a partner who wants that. If you need both of these things sometimes—explain it to the person you want to be with.
  • The ability to choose how you want to live, and the ability to choose how you want to be treated are the two things that give you more power than any material object ever will.
    • Yup.
  • In a relationship of any kind, if one person feels the other person isn’t bringing anything to the table, he or she will begin to disrespect that person.
    • True. But it is a problem that needs discussing. Denial is no-ones friend.
  • Financial neediness is no different than emotional neediness; in both instances, he can still get the feeling that he has a 100 percent hold on you.
    • Actually, neither is very attractive (to me). And no-one should feel under anyone’s control (unless that is your kink…ugh, you know what I mean)…
  • Regardless of how pretty a woman is, looks alone will not sustain his respect. Appearance may pull him in, but it is your independence that will keep him turned on.
  • When a man is very consumed with not being taken advantage of, this is a sign that he’s “on the take.”
    • Hmmm, never thought about it. Could be true? I don’t know. Thoughts?
  • People will show you they have self-respect simply by virtue of the fact that they want to carry their own weight.
    • Capability is a very sexy thing (to me). I approve of this one. J
  • The more independent you are of him, the more interested he will be.
    • Yep. Be a whole human being all by yourself. Then, if you are interested in someone you can tell them. Don’t fake this. And don’t forget that your value shouldn’t be based on other people’s opinions of you. Make your own happy people.
  • If you make it too obvious that you’re excited to get something, some people will be tempted to dangle a carrot in front of your face.
    • Does carrot mean penis cause I could get behind that…. Seriously? If someone gives me something I get fucking excited. If someone gives me something amazing? I grin for a damn month and dance a jig. I am so tired of people who seem so damn jaded ALL OF THE TIME. Get excited about the entire world, there is some amazing shit out there. And someone thought you were awesome enough to bring you something they thought you would like? Well damn, that deserves some excitement. Revel in that shit.
  • When you alter the routine, your not being there is what will make him come around. Men don’t respond to words. What they respond to is no contact.
    • Okay, seriously? This is ridiculous. Some of these points seem to be suggesting that you set a magical obstacle course which once certain objectives have been met men are rewarded with a magical sparkly pussy and then the trap is sprung and that is marriage and then…what? You explain who you really are then? And are miserable? People. Be yourselves. There is no destination in a relationship, the journey—that is the entire destination. Enjoy.
  • Don’t give a reward for bad behavior.
    • Correct. Absolutely. This is exactly the type of thing I tell anyone WHO IS TRAINING A GODDAMN DOG. If your partner is being an ass say, “hey, why are you being an ass?” Then if said assishness continues, “hey, you are still being an ass. It is time to break up now” and it will suck. And it will fucking hurt. And you will feel like it would be more fun to peel off your skin. But because you took my advice and became a whole human being before getting into a relationship—YOU WILL BE JUST FUCKING FINE.
  • He simply won’t respect a woman who automatically goes into overdrive to please him.
    • Holy Shit! I have an overdrive button? Where is it? Can I just push it? Damn it—where is my button!?!?! In all seriousness, I don’t have a clue what this means. Be yourself. If someone doesn’t respect you for being you, break up. See above for how it will suck but you will be just fine in the end. J
  • If he doesn’t give you a time, you don’t have a date.
    • Okay, I want to be all sarcastic on this one. I really do…I wanted to say it doesn’t count unless it is military time, do I need a start time and a stopping time? But the truth as I see it is—unless you and your partner dedicate some one on one time together. Not watching tv, not reading…just enjoying each other; you are going to fuck up your relationship. Believe me, this I have learned after many painful lessons.
  • Often the best way to adjust or fix the problem is by not letting him know it’s being fixed. When you alter your availability or change a predictable routine, it will mentally pull him back in.
    • I have seriously read this one about 5 times; I still don’t know what the fuck it means. Just be your damn self.
  • Once you start laughing, you start healing.
    • Why hello there wonderful truth, it is nice to see you again. Laughing is amazing. Do it as much as possible. J
  • You can get away with saying much more with humor than you can with a straight face.
    • Errrrhmmmmuh, no. well, maybe, it depends. Is this suggesting that you tease your partner about some weight they put on in a passive aggressive attempt to get them to lose weight? Yeah? Well then, this is BULLSHIT. You concerned your partner has chubbed up a bit? Well, fucking tell them. “I’m worried because you seem to be gaining weight. I find you as sexy as the day we met; but I know you have some body issues so I want to see if you are okay?” DON’T BE AN ASSHOLE AND PICK ON THEM. God, you would think this shit would be put in a manual or something.
  • A man feels he’s won, or conqured a woman, when she eats out of the palm of his hand. At which point, he begins to get bored.
    • Hah. Bullshit.
  • The tension that arises with a slightly bitchy woman gives a subtle feeling of danger to a man. He feels slightly unsure because she is never in the palm of his hand.
    • Really? Danger? *rolls eyes*
  • A “yes” woman who gives too much sends the impression that she believes in the man more than she believes in herself. Men view this as weakness not kindness.
    • If a man views kindness as weakness then he is not a man for me. Everyone in a relationship should be the biggest cheerleader in the world to the other person. This whole loving another human thing actually takes a lot of FUCKING WORK. If they don’t think you are the best thing that ever happened to them; move on. If you don’t think they are the best thing in the world to ever have happened to you, do them a huge favor and move the fuck on.
  • Be an independent thinker at all times, and ignore anyone who attempts to define you in a limiting way.
    • Yes. Thank you.
  • Truly powerful people don’t explain why they want respect. They simply don’t engage someone who doesn’t give it to them.
    • Oh thank you thank you thank you. Yes.
  • The most attractive quality of all is dignity.
    • Do you know how badly I want to make a stripper joke with a stripper named Dignity? Do you? Aaaaah. But it is true. Being true to who you are is essential. When you skew off your path, that’s when the crazy happens. A person who cannot reconcile who they are with who they want to be is not a happy person. So don’t do that. J

People, please understand that ‘trapping’ someone into a relationship will not make either one of you happy, if you have to fake who you are to get the attraction of someone else, well, you are doing it wrong. Figure out who you are and what makes you happy. Explain those things to people you are interested in and remember that who you are and what makes you happy will probably change over time. Also remember that you are only one part of the entire relationship puzzle and that there is a whole other person in that mix with you. You know that the happily ever after line is bullshit; you have a relationship and that relationship grows and changes and requires just as much work if not more, then the dating.

ugh. things.

So, I have many of the things to do. So very many of the things. Please allow me make a list here, cause, well, where the hell else should I?

1. Must thank bestest friend in all the land for her cheer up gift chosen from my amazon wish list. Very little is as fun as opening a box with an inflatable beer pong set, super giant crazy ice cube trays, and chunky chic yoga (a dvd I have wanted to try for YEARS!). This made for the fun; and that gift was damn priceless.

2. Must thank modern medicine again for the wonder that is antibiotics. Anyone who has had a bladder infection and enjoyed the horror that is a painful, feverish, and uncomfortable hell understands that once the antibiotics kick in and the horrible agony subsides knows–modern medicine is keen. I’m feeling better, thank you so much.

3. Tonight I have to (fucking) find my (goddamn) metformin which is (motherfucking) somewhere in my house. For those of you not in “the know” metformin is the generic name of a medicine called glucophage. Metformin is an interesting medicine and does great things for many people who have trouble maintaining healthy blood sugar levels. It is also a standard treatment for PCOS, and if you don’t know what that is–don’t worry about it. 🙂 At one time they were considering making metformin an OTC medication. I believe it has been decided not to do that which is probably for the best because it will make you poop like a fire hose and completely blocks the absorption of vitamin B12. So, ya know…there are issues. But somewhere in my (fucking) house is a big ass bottle of the stuff and I need to find it asap! *growl*’

4. Bessie the truck is gone. Long live Lyle the car. Ugh, I am apparently a 75 year old woman because I am driving a Ford Taurus. And Gods help me, I like it. Probably because steering it does not involve a physically extensive maneuver while maintaining a prayer litany. I loved Bessie, but there is something awesome about a working vehicle. 🙂 Lyle is a stinky bastard though because his last person is a smoker…and not a delicate one. I douched the inside of him with Odo-ban as a stop gap measure, but tonight I believe he is going to have to be scrubbed with baking soda, lavender oil, and love. 🙂

5. (and this is a scary one y’all) I am going to have to sack up and call the IRS. Imma sker’d. REALLY scared. But I am going to be a big girl and call them early next week. *gulp* wish me luck and/or pray for me.

6. Lyle the car is on a field trip with a mechanic at the moment. He is getting  an oil change and (hopefully) the motor mount that is broken fixed. *fingers crossed* wish me luck and that Lyle gets to come back to me healthy and whole.

7. Okay, lastly…I used to have a little tiny journal thing where I attempted to write down 3 good things that happened per day. Then, quite literally, my dog ate it. Herbert the puppy ate my happy book; the damn jerk. 😉 So, I am thinking of starting to make a new happy book here on the blog. Just an idea I’m thinking about; but at least the little jackass Herbert can’t eat the interwebs. 🙂 🙂 🙂

Have a good day y’all.



One thing too much!

You know how I was all “oh, whoa is me…the end is night…I’m ever so sad…blah blah blah” when the world kept kicking me in the teeth? Well, the world took one more shot at my face this morning and instead of being sad I got PISSED.

Completely random aside: I have So You Think You Can Dance on in the background and can ANYONE tell me why Kat Deeley is bright honkin’ orange this season? Anyone? It is freaking me out. 

Okay, back to the rage! Sorry, RAGE! I went into the kitchen to make my delicious nutritious tasty breakfast of ramen noodle (beef flavor if you were wondering). I splurged and used potable water instead of cistern water to fill the pan and attempted to light my stove AND I AM MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN OUT OF PROPANE! 

At the time I was filled with a burning anger that probably had a lot more to do with having NO GODDAMN DIET COKE IN THE WHOLE HOUSE and NO MONEY EITHER than with not having propane. I was able to make the (damn) ramen noodles in the (already fuckered) microwave which worked this time probably sensing the fact that I would have taken it out into the yard with a sledge hammer a’ la’ office space if it had decided to pull the “my buttons mean nothing and please don’t think I’m going to work in any way for you today bitch” routine it truly enjoys.

My thought process went as follows:

Are you Fucking kidding me? I have given up hot water, the ability to watch television on a television, my credit rating, nutritious food, some of my medications, a truck that I can steer without pulling a motherfucking muscle,and  DIET COKE FOR FUCKS SAKE!  Now I don’t even have the ability to COOK the cheap food I can now afford unless my piece of shit microwave decides to bless me with its ability to “sort of” work.  The rage…it burned. 

So, as you can see–I was pissed. Which, in my humble opinion, is better than being depressed. I popped a caffeine pill to attempt to negate the nasty headache of caffeine withdrawal, ate my ramen noodle breakfast, drank some of my blue kool-aid which is in no way similar to the wonderful carbonated dark cola deliciousness of diet coke, is pretty tasty.

I hope everyone else is having a wonderful rage-free morning. 🙂


Diabetes, you sneaky jackass!

I shall admit it, I’ve been a’slippin. I rarely test these days (because I am out of strips and strips cost $$$$$) and I have eaten my way through all of the candy I had stockpiled in my freezer. Why? Because candy tastes delicious, that is why! Have you tried it? Om nom nom nom.  Oh the yumminess. Now that I have devoured the sprees (favorite), twixes, york peppermint patties, and gummy whatevers over the last few days I have been home from Jacksonville please allow me to tell you the list of what the fuck is wrong with me due to the sugar overload: I hurt! my back (upper and lower), my ankles, hips, my fingers and toes, my shoulders.  Sleeping is almost impossible–it takes me hours to fall asleep. The sloth effect; I can lay still for hours and do very little.

So, why would I do that? Why would I eat candy if I know I was going to feel like hell? Well, if you have ever had food poisoning where you eat one thing and then are immediately sick and you never think of that food the same way again? Well, because these effects are not immediate my cute little brain doesn’t connect them; it connects CANDY=NOMMY & BODY=OUCHY.

So, just so ya’ll know I am in no way perfect I figured I would share this story.

Off to do stuff; before the ouchie overwhelms the living.



Here I lounge, waiting for a storm…

Yup, we should be sideswiped by tropical storm isaac, thankfully not hit dead on.  I am praying for Haiti today, I don’t think they can endure another tradgedy. 
Additionally, I’m a coward today.  I have a whole bunch of crap to say to someone who thinks they are into me, but really, I don’t think they are.  I’m a pretty damn unique person who occasionally wishes she were more normal.  I passed quirky a long time ago and weird just ain’t as cute as quirky; alas, I am what I am. 🙂
So, wish me luck.  I have to put on my big girl panties and embrace my inner badass and tell this person the following: 1. Being alone and being lonely are 2 very different things. I am alone; he is lonely. 2. I am way more amazing that to just be someone to fill an empty hole in someone’s life. 3. I’m just a godsdamned nice person. If someone has a need and I have a way to fix that need I will do so. I’m learning as I age that most people are not this way and I am trying to learn to do this only when it doesn’t detract from my life in any way. I used to give away anything anyone else needed/wanted to my own deficit and that has bitten me in the butt more times than I care to admit. So, while I was out of town it seemed perfectly normal for me to lend him my truck; it was not a clue that I was trying to date him. 
And now my truck has an issue–specfically the power steering line burst. And I am sorry, but I can’t *use* anyone to fix this for me. It would make me feel beholden in a shitty shitty way that I don’t want to have to deal with.  So, since I just realized that I was all squirmy and feeling wishy washy about it and feel much better after coming to the conclusion that I will get it fixed without feeling beholden to anyone if it kills me. I feel that straight physical pleasure for money is perfectly okay; but using emotions of someone to get money is evil. 
Okily dokily. 🙂

Well, I see how you are.

Some mornings I wake up knowing the day is going to kick my ass. Today is one of those days.
Work-wise, yesterday was a pretty good day. I did stuff, impressed the guy I was working with, and worked a 12 hour day.
Herbert was in doggie daycare and came out rather tired and frantic…happy to see me, but he really had to pee and was very much, “hey food lady, great to see you, look at all these other dogs, cool huh? Hey, so, my teeth are floating here. HELP!” So after he peed for a solid 3 minutes where he looked like a dude leaning on a tree after a night of drinking, off we went about our evening which included a squeaky toy play session and then CRASH, asleep. Herbert is sort of the perfect bed sleeper dog, he prefers to be at the foot of the bed curled up next to my feet or knees; last night however he was snoring and it was adorable. Because it was so damn cute I tried to pull him up to cuddle and he gave me a dirty look and went back to the foot of the bed. The doggie daycare gave me a report card (not kidding) and it was adorable too. Said Herbert made a new best friend out of a Doberman named Freya and that they wrestled during both morning and afternoon play seasons. It also said he didn’t have to be  put in a time out which I took to mean I have an amazing and well behaved puppy. 😉
Here is where the little bastard surprised me, this morning we arrived at the daycare and I let him out of the car. He went off and running to the door of the daycare and then when he was picked up by his handler took off with her happy as a clam. Hey?! Damn you with your happy independence and healthy attitude! Stupid normal happy well-adjusted well trained…yeah, I’m happy for him too. Stupid Herbert. Sigh.

My day

This has been a long day thus far. It is has been a slow march to 10 am and I’m performing a noise survey with a little welding fume sampling thrown in for fun. I really do love my job. Yesterday, I may have actually helped people. At times I feel like I know nothing and to be honest I don’t know all that much. Sometimes though, I’m able to teach people who know even less than I do stuff that helps, and that makes me happy.
So, any of y’all ever been stressed? Not, oh crap I burned my toast stressed, but deep anxiety over being alive and trying like hell to be more at peace but failing miserably? Yeah, me too. My body is pissed about it. The first time I had THIS was when I was 18 and my whole world was cattywhompus and had destroyed a leased car and started college and it was just…a lot. The second time was during marital strife and a death in the family. Now here it is again. Hello creepy rash that isn’t exactly a rash but goes by a name that sounds something like,”pittoriousous rosacea”.  I have no internet nor phone signal at the moment or I would have found the real name but anywhoodle, it looks sorta like ringworm, but isn’t. And then it spreads…currently, the trunk of my body looks like I have some form of a pox. It’s a little itchy, but not horrid. I just look hideous.
The first time I had this I was stuck for about six weeks, the second time was only about two weeks, this outbreak seems more like the first time regarding severity.

When my sister visited me last week we went to a bookstore. There I purchased “the idiots guide to short meditations”. I really like the book so far, but I’m only in chapter 3, so who knows.

I have to find a post office today to pack and ship some items so as not to be crazy overweight luggage-wise. Did I mention my anxiety level is through the roof today which is causing ADD hell thus leading you to the word vomit type post you are now enjoying enduring.

I probably also didn’t mention that I have to leave for the airport at 4am, also that I have to call the airline and remain on hold for a thousand hours to remind them I still have the same Herbert with whom I left the island.

But I have to sit here and wait out my day. And by sit here I mean run around prepping for sample stuff and talk to the client and then come back and realize I am half way through the most rambling blog post of all time.
Bright side? I just got the wifi password. Woooohoooo!