lunchtime words

Well, it’s lunchtime again and I have absolutely nothing of importance to share. I do learn more about myself on a daily basis–some of which does not flatter me. I often joke about my awkwardness; the thing is? usually I am awkward-charming; but sometimes I’m horribly reminded that I can delve into a scary state of awkward when I am attracted to someone.  That unfortunately awkward idiot doesn’t know when to shut up and go away and keeps attempting to poke the other person into liking her; it kind of hurts me to watch myself do it.

*stands there; pokes with finger* “like me now?”
*pokes again* “how about now?”
*pokes again* “now?”
*double poke* “better now?”   
*poke* “wait?, where are you going? but I  have more POKING!”

Quick run-down: ‘performing’ for new people I am awkward-charming-funny; performances for me are when I am teaching or even visiting with people/acquaintances/family and I am fucking amazing at it. It took me over 3 decades to realize that performance-piece of awesome, well that isn’t really me. I am pretty comfortable with the me that is too loud, too snuggly, and usually wearing a huge dorky smile while craving physical affection A LOT.  This is the me  you will see I am comfortable and with true friends and loved ones. :).  It was only today that I realized there is a third culprit–a version of me that I am just beginning to understand. If I am sounding a little too schizophrenic; please know I don’t “switch” minds, the different ‘versions’ are me using different behaviors that I am trying understand. Hand to Gods; I didn’t do this on purpose. I have always been attracted to big dudes and have a special weakness for big dudes who are not that excited to be involved in my life. It’s like I can here a celestial voice state, “CHALLENGE ACCEPTED”. And I become a much less attractive version of myself; let me specify – I become much less attractive to myself. So, after this unfortunate enlightenment I feel very, “well, huh. that’s unexpected” about the whole thing. Sheds an unfortunate understanding onto the aching scar of my failed marriage….hell, even sheds a brighter light on the dude who moved to Canada without telling me.

Perhaps dudes over 6 foot 2″ are just my damn cryptonite? *shrugs*

With age comes more wisdom about my past and more frustration with myself by redoing the same dumb crap.

Live, Learn, Fuck Up, Get Older, Keep Living, etc. etc. etc.

*kisses y’all*

-H.

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Random animal update

Good morning y’all,
I was pretty darn sure this trip to the states had broken the poor Herbert. He was okay but he had a noticeable lack of bouncing herbertness to his step. Or, to put it another way, he was way less annoying. Well thankfully (?) he is back to his kleptomania-induced whippy-tail-of-death for which to wake me up with a stolen slipper in his mouth (thankfully one i recognize this time!). So proud, yet so stupid and annoying……glad to have the pain-in-the-ass back again.
I would hit snooze but the jerk keeps bounding around and bouncing on any animal he can find to explain how exciting it is TOBEAHERBERT!!! Needless to say; they are underwhelmed…..

And mah heart goes a pitter pat….

…..so, I wrote this for a person I was excited to get to know but he felt uncomfortable about it. Because I really did like him I took it down. But since I realized he has deleted and blocked me out of his world with nary a word I figured what the heck–it reminds me I am still able to get excited about finding a new playpartner. **kisses**

So, I’m feeling corrupt-y again. To be perfectly honest I haven’t felt this way in YEARS. For the past fewish days (after I got to see some old friends and really feel centered and beloved for the first time in many years) i have been feeling……well…..FROGGY.
The only way I can describe this feeling is froggy. Froggy, at least in the brain of me, is the what I call Life (the dog, not the concept) when she has had a whole anti-inflammatory rather than just a half. She gets that mischievous glint in her eye that says, “member when i ate the couch looking for my skeeker? Or member when I got a deer carcass through the dog door? Yeah, thems were good times.” And then wants to play fetch. Because she feels GREAT; she feels FROGGY.
So, my version of couch destruction and/or deer carcass yoga involves (apparently) talking “dirty” and/or showing someone my boobs online. During shenanigans of meeting with my friends an almost cartoonish picture of my boobs was provided to someone to be sent to their friend to “show him what he was missing” and “shock him” (important sidenote: my boobs were NOT on display as said party). Well, yesterday morning I shot off a quick message to the intended boob victim, something along the lines of, “sorry about the boobs”. Awhile later I received a reply which stated, “never apologize for boobs”. That made me giggle but awhile after that I received a, “what boobs?” message. That made me chortle and then we had ourselves a fun back and forth that lasted for hours and then phone conversation and then we video chatted. A lovely time was had by all. 🙂
So, I am greatly enjoying that magical rush that comes with the mutual attraction of a new friendship/playmate for the first time in a long time. While I have no idea what, if anything, the future holds; I do think any future Midwest trips are going to be a LOT more fun. *evil grin*
Now, who wants to fly me back to the Midwest to get laid? Anyone? Hello? Is this thing on?
smiles & kisses y’all.
H.