So, we have a kitten. His name is Gerald and he is adorable (and pointy). He loves the dogs and is, by all accounts, good to be a great cat. Cute little bastard, isn’t he?
Having a kitten means you have to put their needs ahead of yours and forgive them when they do those adorable little things like draw blood whilst climbing your bare legs or attack your eyebrows because they hadn’t noticed that there were FURRY CATERPILLERS ON YOUR FACE WHICH MUST BE KILLED! But I realized after cleaning up the third destroyed roll of toilet paper that I can live without skin or eyebrows but I will be damned if I’m going to have to live without toilet paper. So, with a little help from my teeny tiny screwdriver I have turned my unused towel rod into Über Toilet Roll Holder.
Now, I know it isn’t conventionally pretty…. but I love it. Unfortunately, it gave me another idea involving a a label maker and six different brands of toilet paper to determine if there is a superior brand of wiping paper. That project is still in the planning stages.
I woke up particularly early this morning (approximately 04:00), which makes sense since I went to bed somewhere around 19:00 (7pm). Well, as I fussed and tossed and realized Herbert (dog) was off doing his normal crepuscular search for horse poop. This made me sigh loudly and call for a KITTYKITTYKITTY because come on, something needs to snuggle me, dammit. No critters came a’runnin. So, now full of self-rightous indignation I get out of bed and stomp into the kitchen calling KITTYKITTYKITTY and nary a single ungrateful bugger is to be found! At this point I had devolved to muttering something along the lines of “I am the lady who feeds all y’all and I just wanna snuggle why are there no snugglers present. I don’t care which one of y’all it’s gonna be but SOMEONE is gonna snuggle me.” But which more accurately probably sounded more like…”SNUGGLE. me. Food you. Why? Where? Snuuuuugggllle?” So, back into the bedroom I shuffle. I decide to activate the emergency backup snuggle system aka Life (old girl dog). “Pretty pretty princess! Time to wakey wakey! Wanna snuggle?” She replied with a snore and two tail thumps. I grabbed my robe belt and loosely wrapped it around her neck. She opened her bleary eyes and rolled onto her back stretching, thumped her tail twice more and looked at me with a resounding, “are you fucking kidding me?”
And that’s when I realized I may have hit a new low, laughed at myself, grabbed my keyboard and figured if I couldn’t snuggle any of the ungrateful little buggers I might as well wake up and tell y’all about it. Besides, in a few minutes I am fairly certain there will be a very excited and stinky Herbert jumping on the bed explaining all about how he found HORSES! and did you know!? They make delicious snacks which double as COLOGNE!!? Best. Day. Ever. Which makes me wanna laugh and vomit all at the same time–then it’s bath time.
Good morning y’all!
So, my friend is all, “oh darn, I had just pulled the chip from the trail camera when this bear came so I had to take photos with my phone.” Whereas I am all, “OMFG THERE IS A BEAR NEXT TO YOUR LAUNDRY IT MIGHT EAT YOU MAYBE DON’T HANG OUT WITH BEARS!” but, to be fair to me–I have been a wee bit too traumatized after I read the news story of the girl who got eaten by a bear while on the phone with her mother to be all appreciative of bears NEXT TO MY CLOTHES.
and now that I have a Disney song stuck in your head, I shall begin this post brought to you by the fine people of “My Friend has a Cool Outdoor Camera in Michigan” which will probably make more sense at the end of this post.
Because writers block is caused by many (many) things and the only way to work through it is by 1. having something to write on (thank you very much hard drive of doom) and 2. just getting onto the dang site to make words go; here I am accomplishing option number 2 by
stealing borrowing appropriating being gifted some lovely fun photos from a friend of mine who has an outdoor camera. Enjoying the micro-dramas titled (in my head) along the lines of “Who stole the sunflower seeds?” and “Why won’t these dang animals learn to pose!” and my personal favorites, “Dear Deer, we are sorry; we now know it wasn’t you.” and “Dear Raccoon, you are a sneaky jerk!”
We shall start the
insanity fun with my very favorite picture. There is just something about this deer’s face which I believe captures the most awkward “hello” look in the entire history of deer-kind.
🙂 Deer says Hello.
I was going to write a vilifying post about this evil plumber guy who is the living embodiment of
everything I could possibly loathe all wrapped up in one human being but then a puppy pooped its own weight in my office and very little in the world as thought derailing as a service dog giving you a panic-eyed expression while a co-workers puppy-in-training is dropping a load in the corner of your office.
I can actually say that right now I love my life. 🙂
Sure, I just cleaned up a load o’ poo and that jerk of a plumber is still over there lurking in his ‘allthatiswrongintheworld’ type way…but in reality all is going okay. You are probably wondering why I loathe this man? Well, because he is a asshat. Like, a real one. An oldschool woman-hating jerk. Asked for a mop and when I showed him where one was he picked it up and attempted to wring it out by hand (eww). I showed him the wringer located on the mop and he said, “I am not a woman; I don’t know how to use these things” my reply? “Well, I’m not a man and I know how to use every tool you have with you. So what’s your point?”
He seemed to think that was hilarious but since that crack plumbing team of “asshat” and “onthephone” brought an arsenal consisting of one pair of channel locks and a screwdriver I can honestly state that I have the ability and knowledge to use every tool they brought with them. Every single time I do a minor (MINOR) amount of plumbing (open u-bend to find lost whatever, new shower head, new flushing mechanism, etc.) I end up thinking how much I HATE plumbing. It only follows the timeless “righty tighty – lefty loosey” rule SOMETIMES. I mean, seriously? And did you know that the toilet you are sitting on right now is only one squadgy oval of wax away from leaking poop-water on your floor? At least with electricity you know water = bad and you also can state that enough of it will kill you. Zap = dead. Toxic vapors? Yep–they follow rules too. It’s just those sneaky damn plumbers with their sneaky damn plumbing making up rules as they go.
But they are smart buggers–I mean, no-one wants to crap in their own yard in front of the neighbors (could someone please inform the puppy about this?) so when that there fancy regulation wax dries out and poop starts seeping you are probably going to end up needing a plumber.
If I could do it all over again?I would TOTALLY become a plumber. :o)
Good morning y’all,
I was pretty darn sure this trip to the states had broken the poor Herbert. He was okay but he had a noticeable lack of bouncing herbertness to his step. Or, to put it another way, he was way less annoying. Well thankfully (?) he is back to his kleptomania-induced whippy-tail-of-death for which to wake me up with a stolen slipper in his mouth (thankfully one i recognize this time!). So proud, yet so stupid and annoying……glad to have the pain-in-the-ass back again.
I would hit snooze but the jerk keeps bounding around and bouncing on any animal he can find to explain how exciting it is TOBEAHERBERT!!! Needless to say; they are underwhelmed…..