Well, it’s lunchtime again and I have absolutely nothing of importance to share. I do learn more about myself on a daily basis–some of which does not flatter me. I often joke about my awkwardness; the thing is? usually I am awkward-charming; but sometimes I’m horribly reminded that I can delve into a scary state of awkward when I am attracted to someone. That unfortunately awkward idiot doesn’t know when to shut up and go away and keeps attempting to poke the other person into liking her; it kind of hurts me to watch myself do it.*stands there; pokes with finger* “like me now?” *pokes again* “how about now?” *pokes again* “now?” *double poke* “better now?” *poke* “wait?, where are you going? but I have more POKING!”
Quick run-down: ‘performing’ for new people I am awkward-charming-funny; performances for me are when I am teaching or even visiting with people/acquaintances/family and I am fucking amazing at it. It took me over 3 decades to realize that performance-piece of awesome, well that isn’t really me. I am pretty comfortable with the me that is too loud, too snuggly, and usually wearing a huge dorky smile while craving physical affection A LOT. This is the me you will see I am comfortable and with true friends and loved ones. :). It was only today that I realized there is a third culprit–a version of me that I am just beginning to understand. If I am sounding a little too schizophrenic; please know I don’t “switch” minds, the different ‘versions’ are me using different behaviors that I am trying understand. Hand to Gods; I didn’t do this on purpose. I have always been attracted to big dudes and have a special weakness for big dudes who are not that excited to be involved in my life. It’s like I can here a celestial voice state, “CHALLENGE ACCEPTED”. And I become a much less attractive version of myself; let me specify – I become much less attractive to myself. So, after this unfortunate enlightenment I feel very, “well, huh. that’s unexpected” about the whole thing. Sheds an unfortunate understanding onto the aching scar of my failed marriage….hell, even sheds a brighter light on the dude who moved to Canada without telling me.
Perhaps dudes over 6 foot 2″ are just my damn cryptonite? *shrugs*
With age comes more wisdom about my past and more frustration with myself by redoing the same dumb crap.
Live, Learn, Fuck Up, Get Older, Keep Living, etc. etc. etc.
Today started off with the grumble roar of a garbage truck. I jolted out of bed wondering why I once again forgot to drag it to the outside of the fence, certain I would drag my butt out there extra early. It’s never happened yet, but by golly maybe someday I will. 🙂 The very nice garbage men waited and took my trash and they all grinned at me stupidly. I looked down to make sure I was wearing pants (hey, I’ve done stupider shit) and happily yes, there were in fact pants. shirt too. I felt like I was on a roll with the ‘normal’ when I realized I was wearing my collar. Yes, my lovely leather spikey collar Demon sent me. complete with tshirt and scrub pants. yep, I am a hella sexual beast. ~rolls eyes~
Being the twisted freak I am I am kind of thinking that next week I should take the trash out with a ball gag on – just to mess with them. 🙂
Then work, and surprisingly as days go–not too bad. Worked on some equipment, flirted with psycho (if flirting means discussing him performing my brazillian wax instead of the nice spa). Around 4pm I went on etsy and found what has to be my new favorite toy (purple/blue on black leather and anklet cuffs). I have been having way too much fun looking for naughty stuff on etsy. Some of it is stealth naughty; some is blatant and proud. I was planning on hitting the beauty supply store to buy wax (hey, I am not one to say no to a free and detailed wax) then home and relaxing. Instead….well, I talked. openly, freely, and intensely.
It started off well, I had that intense voice talking about how I love easily and deeply but rarely trust. And then Safety dude went into an entire discussion about his life and questioned some of my beliefs in regards to love. He asked me if my best experience ever had been my first and last would that have been enough for me.
oooooh, good question.
then he asked me about my husband, and was all of the stress there my fault–had I not tried hard enough.
well, hell. maybe.
then, we talked further….I got to the point of tears running down my cheeks. It was intense and deep and a REAL conversation. Not one of someone encouraging me to divorce my husband…but just talking about love, what love means, what causes love to die, why we treat the ones we love the worst, his recent divorce, women he loved/thought he loved, how we ended up where we were.
I left this conversation feeling good. strong. centered. Somehow that led me to feel incredibly lonely…deeply bone achingly lonely once I got home. Met some friends for dinner and brought up the conversation and my friend put in her two cents (wants me to divorce). What do I want? still don’t know.
But I tell you what, I can sure “ATTACK” in a conversation. Make someone feel like shit even if I didn’t want that to happen. And in this case, that someone is Demon. I talk to him every day. every single day. I’m in uncharted waters with this man. I love him. I have never seen him in person, touched him, tasted, or smelled him – but I love him. And even though he has made some mistakes; I trust him as well. And that is very hard for me. I can count the people I trust on one hand.
I am really tired. I was given the task of trying to sort through these emotions, write them out, embrace them. The truth of it is as follows I feel guilty. I feel very very guilty. I have an entire life that keeps me sane separate from my husband. So I have some heavy guilt. Something else I don’t want to delve into too much is I said, out loud, “I cannot imagine being free”.
doesn’t bode well does it?
Anywhoodle…love ya’ll. time for sleep. ~big yawn~
Having lived my life as more of a horrible warning than a good example I don’t honestly consider myself qualified to give advice. However, I’m a very open person and that seems to cause people who know me to ask. I have answered many a question from how to get a girl off, how to ask someone to do you a different way, and how to masturbate better. These were easy questions. Recently I was asked a question that I am really not sure how to answer. At least not how to answer it clearly.
But, I’m giving it a whirl:
I am a happily married man. But I have a little lady whom I have been flirting outrageously with over the past year. We have both been quite dirty with each other over email and text. We have only kissed each other once in the flesh. However, her hairdresser, is a girl I once pulled a fair bit. The hairdresser is now bi. Both myself and this girl fancy the hairdresser and want a threesome with her, how do we go about it? We don’t see this girl really socially as such, but both have occasional contact with her.
Besides the obvious advice regarding you being married in a non-open marriage and morality and blah blah blah blah blah…sorry, I can’t go any further in this comment without stating my personal view that based upon personal experience, observation, and spending the majority of my time with men and not women here is what I know. The majority of men cheat; and quite a big percentage of women also cheat. It has been also noticed that the higher the education level of the men tends to equal less cheating BUT I haven’t noticed a trending regarding education and its impact on a woman’s infidelity. However, all of my experience is just that *my* experience. Take it at it’s worth. You have to be comfortable taking the karmic hit for you’re choices. No judgement here.
Now, onto a DANGER DANGER warning: Women. Are. A. Pain. In. The. Ass. Shit, ask Polly. She and I laughed and laughed over our experiences with the gentler sex. I love my men and women equally; however it is a very rare woman who can maintain a sex only relationship. This leaves me in a quandary which I shall now explain. I can either hook up with a lady where I end up being the aggressor and getting them off and them saying thanks and leaving me wet and frustrated OR I can be in a relationship with a woman, get off, but have to commit a lot of time to the relationship. Sex with women can be amazing…however once you are in a relationship with a woman there are feelings involved. It’s just how they work (yeah, I am a woman, but seriously–I’m an odd one. ). Anyway, you are considering a hook-up with not one–but two. And dude. That is a LOT of work. Not to mention it doubles the chance of ending up with a bunny boiler (bunny boiler = home wrecker/stalker/insanely clingy). Also on the side of reasons to bail on the whole idea is that just because someone is bi doesn’t mean they are into threesomes. I mean, I am…but as I have said before (and will say again), I’m a little bit different than your average chic.
Now that all the reasons not to have been explored; here are some steps towards getting those ladies to bed. Ready?
-first off–begin flirting in some sort of email/text format with the hairdresser. Feel her out one-on-one in regards to whether she would be interested in fucking you again. I recommend getting yourself a pre-paid phone with a separate number.
-so, now that you are flirting and have found out where she is in regards to YOU. Ask her how things have been going with the ladies. Ask her if she knows your flirt-buddy. Then begin texting both of them together. See how that works.
-so, you are all chatting now. yay! Time for groundrules. Make sure they are both aware you have chosen your primary partner. That this is just experimentation and fun. Make sure they know this is a one-off. Plan for it to only be for one time. Again, make it VERY clear that this does not nor will it EVER become a relationship. with either of them. Having flirted with you before sir I know that you are intense. And that one night a bazillion years ago branded you deeply into my heart and brain and I wanted you BAD. You are a prime candidate for a bunny boiler.
-Now everyone has agreed. It seems business-like but the planning is critical. Make sure you meet up with them bringing your own supplies…condoms, alcohol, more condoms, more alcohol and lube. Then, before you start drinking, confirm everyone is okay, confident, and not in love. Then, start drinking, laughing, tasting, and lose yourself in the moment. Because it does feel good. Change condoms between women as well as between holes. 🙂
I hope this helped luv!