I should…

Alright, I am here in Ohio and there are so many I shoulds.  Right at this very moment there is some blissful silence.  My sister and the baby are out picking up my niece and I am listening to some quiet.  Except for some loud ass birds who are stating quite emphatically that THEY ARE BIRDS and INCREDIBLY HAPPY ABOUT IT DAMMIT.  I mean, damn.  I don’t remember Ohio birds being so damn loud. 
Holy crap, visiting the fam damily causes a maelstrom of emotion which would weary the hardiest watcher of Glee.  I know *I* am batcrap insane, but it is a whole other thing when you can physically SEE from whence the insanity began.  Whether it is my father’s penchant for the crazy women (dude, I get it…they are usually damn good in bed–but when they ban your offspring from visiting you?  damn.) or my mother’s intermittent crying jags (stop. having. emotions.) it is just exhausting.  First always comes the decision of where the hell to stay–it used to be harder because there was a grandmother and a father thrown into the mix (the grandmother went into a home (the really nice happy kind) and the dad’s wife thinks I am devil spawn) so now it just comes down to my ally (my sister’s) or my mom’s (where my second ally (stepdad) resides).  It’s usually a crapshoot and I pick the one who either needs me there more (in this case my sister who is currently raising her granddaughter) or the one who would be most offended by me not choosing the place. 
…do you see how this could be a glee episode?  do ya?  There are so many EMOTIONS and SUBPLOTS up in this bitch.  If we all sang about the emotions maybe we could put this up on Fox and actually have some money once in a while.
Ugh.  Anywhoodle.  My quiet time will soon be over and the maelstrom that is my niece, greatniece, and sister will be here.  Great good gods it is a hot mess of a situation and I wish I could be there for my sister more.  However that is precluded by distance and the fact that my great niece cries when she looks at me. 🙂  Well, I am stranger danger. 🙂  So for now I just provide giant soft teddy bears and hopefully, when she is older, a college education. 
Much love to all y’all.  Thanks to this spangly new keyboard (that actually works) I should be able to write much much more. 


Heather’s Midwest Tour v1

Dear lord, this has been the best and worst trip.  Part of me is thrilled to be here, but part of me is all squidgedy about money.  Because I have spent pretty much everything I have.  Which of course fills me with squidgedy disquieted doom.  But screw it, what is done is done.  It is just so freaking amazing to see all of the STUFF.  To be fair, as beautiful as St. Croix is, it does not have everything.  To be specific (and judge me at will) I would probably never leave the island if it had a Chipotle, a Taco Bell, an Olive Garden, a Target, and lastly, a Best Buy.  Why, you ask? So I can get a working keyboard so I can type on my phone.  As much as Swype and I get along I just can’t write paragraphs without wanting to punch someone in the face.   
I will write more tomorrow about the insanity that is my family; however tonight I am heading out with my sister to meet a boy she may be interested in.
Much love,

The creepy visitor

Dear Sweet Baby Platypus!!! The only thing creepier than seeing a giant centipede hanging out on the curtain in your doorway is going to get tools to dispose of said centipede  (snorkel and dog food bowl shut up) and then come back to find NOTHING. 
Somewhere in my room there is a 7″ wiggling creepy segmented arthropod insect BRINGER OF PAIN.  But I’m not skeeved out AT ALL.  If anyone needs me I’m the wide fucking awake chic sitting bolt upright in a well lit room wearing boots and holding a snorkel and a dog bowl (shut up) for protection.

Important Damn Tip for Life

It is never a good idea to eat half a bag of cheetos and a (large) bowl of antioxidant fruit mix for dinner.  For realz.  Your (well, my) body doesn’t know what to do with that much unnatural combined with that much, well, natural.  There is an epic war happening right now within my own belly for supremecy…and (for no rational reason I can explain) I blame the damn vegans.  Yes, it happened to me today–I was vegan-slapped:  there I was, arriving for a lovely beach day and just after sitting down I noticed two folks across the seating area who were looking for tourist info.  Sure, I thought they looked a little desiccated but hell, throw white people on the beach for too long and trust me, they look desiccated.  Shade exists for a reason people; use. it.

Anyway, these non-drinking, vegan, desiccated tourists were very nice people.  Until my lunch was delivered.  Their eyes turned glassy with want and I think I saw them drool at my very non-vegan skirt steak quesadilla.  That’s when the very nice (and aggressively “helpful”) desiccated lady told me about how she thought it was dairy and not meat that did the most damage.  Yup, okay.  They wanted to know where to eat and I couldn’t help them.  Don’t get me wrong, there are healthy things that I do and there are many (m.a.n.y.) unhealthy things I do as well.  But don’t expect to find all of your answers in one giant lifestyle change which makes  you appear all dried out and unhealthy looking.  Moderation in all things, including moderation. dammit.


So the interview went really well; much better than the phone interview. They said I will hearing from them early next week. To be perfectly honest it sounds like my dream job. Very different than my normal scenario of working in “man’s world” because the entire team is made up of women.  Both types of workplace have their own challenges, so it really doesn’t matter in the long run. 
Herbert the hilarious horrible hoarder puppy was incredibly helpful as I attempted to get ready for the interview.  I washed my face and put the toner and cotton balls on the bed while I blow dried my hair.  After drying my hair I look up and see Mr. Herbert with his face full off cotton balls, “look Food Lady! I’se a dispenser”.  ~ sigh ~ at least he is adorable (ish), right?
Have a great day y’all.