Bandelettes! aka chub-rub defeaters of wonderousness!

Actually, these things are named BANDELETTES and they are marketed as “Inner Thigh Guards” and after reading about their existence I immediately bought three pairs because, well, holy shit! These might be awesome.

I specifically purchased the following:

Bandelettes: Red Romance or as I like to think of them – my slutty red thigh thingies

Bandelettes: Chocolate or, as I like to think of them – my subtle thigh thingies

Bandelettes: Black Unisex or, as I like to think of them – my sporty spice thigh thingies

If  you don’t feel like clicking on the links I can describe these to you pretty well – for the lacey ones: you know those thigh highs we have all owned that are supposed to stay up with no garter belt but never do? Yeah, cut off the hosiery portion and keep the bit of lace at the top and that is what they look like. now the sporty spice ones? yeah, they are more like you cut the legs off of some bike shorts and put them on.

They arrived in the mail today and I had to try them – sure, I’m wearing jeans but I figured it couldn’t hurt to field test the darn things a bit. I put on my sporty spice thigh thingies and then put my jeans back on. They are quite comfortable and hilariously easy to forget that you have them on. So far they have stayed put except for when I went to the bathroom and I pulled off my underwear and in the process ended up taking off my left sporty spice thigh thingy because I treated the bathroom+sporty spice thigh thingies as if they were bike shorts.

Again, this is about 2 hours into wearing the sporty spice ones. I will continue to update but so far, these are kind of awesome. I will be skirting it up all weekend and will let you know what I learn!

…..and I’m back.

I can say the following about bandelettes – they. are. awesome.

They are amazing for many reasons; allow me to detail:

  • they do what they say – there is nary a bit of chub-rub even if I am not wearing bike shorts under a skirt. Yes, for the first time in my entire life I can wear a skirt with no underwear (aka bike shorts)! When I wore a skirt with the bandelettes and nothing else I noticed breezes in places I had never felt breezes before which made me sort of stop randomly and cock my head in a confused manner while shopping at home depot (shut up, my life *is* exciting, I swear!)
  • they are unexpectedly sexy – okay, so the sporty-spice ones are pretty much just functional, but the lacy ones seem to trip the “thigh high” visual trigger in men. I live in the tropics and although I love dressing up for play time there is just never a good time for nylons here. These bandelettes give me a happy thigh high option while not having to wear the nylon part!
  • they do not move. seriously, even though it seems like they should, they don’t.
  • the sporty-spice ones fill a gap I was unaware I had (shut up, I know there is a vagina joke in there somewhere! *grin*); you know how casual shorts are getting shorter? The exercise shorts I have bought recently end well above the rub danger zone and although comfortable are not really great to wear while actually exercising. Those sporty-spice bandelettes do not look too weird under sport shorts and by golly, they work really well. 

If I could go back in time to all of the Pennsics and all the other Society for Creative Anachronism events I attended and give myself the gift of bandelettes I would do so in a heartbeat. If you are a skirt or dress wearing person with thighs that may meet and create unfortunate friction – buy these things. I did, and I plan on buying more.

Kisses!
-H.

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Are you fucking kidding me? (episode 1)

So, due to a google search gone awry, I now know of another product in the world that annoys me.  It all started out simply enough–I have been obsessively searching online for an answer about silicone scar sheeting.  I have a wicked-huge keloid scar on the ball of my right foot. I am not an overly vain person and in general I celebrate my physical scars (emotional scarring is just embarrassing and shall remain hidden at all times, a’thank you very much) usually proclaiming something along the lines of “Chicks Dig Scars!”, but this sumbitch hurts. It’s that slow-ache-pain that I can usually ignore but lately it keeps popping into my consciousness and that usually means I have to “deal with it like an adult” before my body attempts something dramatic to really get my attention….stupid body. Anywhoodle,  I cannot determine if silicone sheeting you buy for a cost of all-the-monies is chemically different than silicone sheeting made out of aquarium silicone that you let dry. I’ll let you know if I ever get that answered–currently I am using some unused silicone earplugs mushed onto the scar for 8 hours or so at a time as well as some silicone scar spray….I think the earplugs are working better at this point.
Sorry, got of track there–I buy my diabetic test strips on Amazon because they are less than half of my copay at the pharmacy, so I checked there for scar strips. Nope,  still all-of-the-monies. For grins I spun over to ebay just to see pricing…. better, but medical equipment on ebay? hrmmmm. I noticed some “if you liked that,  you’ll lurve these!” links below and thus began my descent into thinkery. I was intrigued by the at-home instant answer HIV-1 and HIV-2 mouth swabs and part of me was all, “awesome! everyone should have some and use them before every new partner!” and part of me was horrified, “what if these are duds?!?” and “can you imagine having the responsibility of telling someone they tested positive?!”
So,  yeah…. and then, because if you spend longer than 10 seconds looking at the vast array of testing kits on ebay the algorithm apparently decides you are in need of this wee gem:
The Semen Detection Kit.
http://pages.ebay.com/link/?nav=item.view&id=121191251563&alt=web
smdh.
Here’s the thing, if you are in a relationship with someone and you feel the need to search on ebay for a kit that will tell you if there is cum on your partner’s clothing? Yeah,  that relationship ship has sailed–break up.  You are either correct and they are cheating on you (do you really need to find cum?) or you are paranoid and an asshole and you could both be happier not with each other.
love y’all,
-H.

Zombie Fallout – A book review by me. :)

I read. oh lordy, do I read. I read printed books, blogs, kindle books, and for the last year or so I have defeated insomnia by listening to audio books before I fall asleep. Why does that work? Well, my brain LOVES to wander…thinking all about the bazillion things I have messed up, things I should have done, could have done, things I still have to do.  You all know what I mean because I’m pretty sure this little habit of mine is one of the few things about me that is completely normal.

So, about a year or so ago I found Audible. I knew of it before but didn’t use it. Don’t get me wrong–some of the books are just not great “listens”. But there are a few series I loved listening to including The Dresden Files by Mike Butcher and anything by Molly Harper, Tamora Pierce, or Terry Pratchett.  Rarely do I find a book that sucks me in so deeply that I make time to listen to it outside of my normal bedtime ritual.

I have absolutely loved listening to Zombie Fallout by Mark Tufo (http://www.marktufo.com/zombiefallout.html). In fact, I have already started on the 2nd in the series.  The protagonist is funny, sarcastic, and quite simply–awesome. Some of the reviews list this book as being slapstick or comedic–in my opinion it is neither.  Don’t get me wrong, I have laughed out loud more times than I can count while listening to this book and that in and of itself is a rare thing in an audio book–but the protagonist in this book has more of a running sarcastic commentary in his head which resonates with me because I do that as well.  There is, so far, only one thing throughout this story line which has annoyed me. Why didn’t he teach his daughter to shoot? His two sons are very competent gun users. Why did he not teach his daughter?  I can look past this and still enjoy the hell out of this book but I just need to take a moment and tell everyone–teach your girls and your boys about tools AND weapons. It is our duty to prepare the next generation to prepare  the generation that follows.

And, if you want to read (listen) to a good book–check this one out. It has made me laugh out loud, nervously look around an empty room for zombies, hold my breath in anticipation, and squeeze a Herbert (dog) out of fear of what was happening next.

Here is a tidbit that made me laugh my butt off which doesn’t in any way spoil the story–and I am paraphrasing here:

                                                           He walked into the yard in his bare feet and stepped in something squishy, BRAINS! he thought…then the smell hit him and he realized it was dog poop. He kind of wished it had been brains…. 

Trust me, it is funnier in the book. 🙂  I hope y’all like the book if you decide to read or listen to it. 🙂

Here is the book description copied off of the Amazon site:  http://www.amazon.com/Zombie-Fallout-Mark-Tufo/dp/145151705X/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1347817905&sr=8-2&keywords=zombie+fallout

It was a flu season like no other. With fears of contracting the H1N1 virus running rampant throughout the country, people lined up in droves to try an attain one of the coveted vaccines. What was not known, was the effect this largely untested, rushed to market, inoculation was to have on the unsuspecting throngs. Within days, feverish folk throughout the country, convulsed, collapsed and died, only to be re-born. With a taste for brains, blood and bodies, these modern day zombies scoured the lands for their next meal. Overnight the country became a killing ground for the hordes of zombies that ravaged the land. This is the story of Michael Talbot, his family and his friends. This is their story a band of ordinary people just trying to get by in these extra-ordinary times. When disaster strikes, Mike a self-proclaimed survivalist, does his best to ensure the safety and security of those he cares for. Book 1 – Of the Zombie Fall-Out Trilogy, follows our lead character in his self-deprecating, sarcastic best. What he encounters along the way leads him down a long dark road always skirting on the edge of insanity. Can he keep his family safe? Can he discover the secret behind Tommy’s powers? Can he save anyone from the zombie Queen? – A zombie that seems by all accounts to have some sort of hold over the zombies and Mike himself. Encircled in a seemingly safe haven called Little Turtle, Mike and his family together with the remnants of a tattered community while not fighting each other, fight against a relentless, ruthless, unstoppable force. This last bastion of civilization has made its final stand. God help them all.

My phone…she swims with the fishes…

or more specifically, she dunked herself into the toilet. Does that bitch not realize that I cannot afford a new one? And no, I don’t think I have the insurance on this but I am about to check. ~le sigh~

I immediately grabbed the phone and in doing so I somehow threw my apple I was eating into the shower (I know because I found it later). Before you think I was having a poo or something equally hilarious, it was really just a chain of stupidity. I was eating an apple and needed to grab the clothes I was soaking out of the bathroom sink to throw into the laundry. I placed the phone on the shelf above the toilet and somehow I bumped the shelf. Yes, I was on the phone at the time, and yes, it is completely possible the person I was talking to heard, “shoot, darn, NOOOOO! *splash*.” Yes, when things are really bad the curse words disappear and I begin to sound like a kindergarten teacher. No, I am not proud of that. After (apparently) throwing the apple I grabbed the phone, battery, and case (which had conveniently come apart upon toilet impact) and grabbed my emergency “shit, my electronic ______ fell into the water” kit (I should sell these). To make your own emergency kit please do the following:

  1.  buy bag of silica cat litter
  2. find or buy container larger than your electronic ______ but smaller than a bucket that has a lid
  3. use a thin cloth bag or, failing having one of those, a thin sock

When something like this happens, REMOVE BATTERY, wipe off all visible moisture, place electronic _________ into bag (or sock) and bury in silica.  The bag keeps the dust out of the electronic. Then put on the lid and don’t touch the damn electronic________for at least 24 hours.

So, I didn’t follow my own rules and attempted to make my phone “go” this morning. Alas…she turned on, then died.  What did we learn? That’s right! don’t. touch. the. damn. electronic ________. for. 24. hours. you. damn. idiot.

The kit doesn’t work unless you have it on hand and set up BEFORE the water drama ensues. So people, go make kits, save your electronic _______s.

Wish me luck, I think I am screwed.

Reviewed – Logitech Bluetooth Keyboard for Android

When I was stateside I purchased a Logitech bluetooth keyboard for android at Best Buy because, well, blogging via swype sucks.  It just does.  Admittedly this isn’t perfect–but holy crap; it is pretty awesome.  If you are a keyboard-centric kind of person like myself; combining this keyboard with the Galaxy Note (which I also love) is gosh darned perfect.  It makes typing anything longer than a quick text message much more user friendly.  I am a fan.