Hey y’all, I’ve been quiet for a bit now; mainly because I have been through hell and now that the active hell is over; well, now I’m dealing with it. I have been continually bracing myself for the next heart wrenching gut twisting disaster to occur. All of the bracing is exhausting. Everything is exhausting. Sometimes, just breathing is so damn hard.

So, *wipes away an over-dramatic tear* in my vast sweeping effort to actually heal these wounds to my psyche (as opposed to the not-smart approach of avoid, ignore, avoid, seal up the top of the wound and let the infection FESTER-which was my original plan) I’m dumping a lot of this crap on y’all, ready? 

My divorce became final on the day before my 35th birthday (July 1st) and even though I had been waiting for that day to come I completely and utterly lost my ever loving shit after that happened. I don’t know why I had never dealt with the death of my marriage; I tried.  But there was so much going on I just shoved it in with the other horrors (job change, unemployment, death of 2 pets, abandonment by someone I cared about, money problems, tax problems, divorce).  As you can see with that quick round up the last year or so has been a bitch.  

*wipes away face full of snot and tears*

Anywhoodle, I seriously didn’t know what to do anymore and wanted the pain to go away and didn’t know why I felt the way I felt and a dear friend asked me if I had dealt with my divorce and that is when it all clicked together and I realized how poisonous these infected psyche wounds were to me.  

When I think of my ex-husband I can think of all the bad stuff easily.  His varied addictions, depressions, lack of affection, and other assorted crap that made living with him eventually impossible.  Do you know what hurts so much that if my brain flashes on a memory I feel like I have been stabbed? The good stuff.  In so many ways that man was a perfect partner for me.  He was smart *STAB*, funny *STAB*, and occasionally very sweet *STAB*.  There were times we laughed together and had more fun than should be legally allowed *STAB*.  

The bad stuff is easy and now almost pain-free to think about. The good stuff hurts. How or who am I supposed to forgive to make the horrible pain and grief stop whenever I remember any of the good things about my decade of marriage? 

Alright, that’s enough thinking for one day.

*one last wipe of the snot and the tears*

Love all y’all. Have a non-painful, appropriately medicated, full of breathing and smiles-kind of day. 

-H.