Category Archives: Chances are I probably thought it was funny…

May 11, 2011

Posted in Chances are I probably thought it was funny... by

(I have been keeping some stuff “in the can” as they say.  So I am posting them titled the date they were written.  They will probably never be in order.  muah!)

Holy shit.  I’m broke.  Like stupid broke.  Like—put up a paypal button hey folks send me money broke. 

I will be okay.  Or so goes the continued mantra in my head.  Over, and over, and over and over.  In other news, my phone got shut off because I forgot to pay the correct amount of the bill.  Oopsie.I talked my way back into service even though I couldn’t actually afford to pay the entire amount.  That was a fun thing to realize at 2AM when I felt suddenly trapped and alone and unable to call out.  I almost went to work just to have the ability to call someone.  Which I realized was insane and started emailing people instead. 

So much is going on.  The divorce.  I’m throwing a party for a pregnant friend.  The lack of money.  The Divorce.  the amount of information completely random people want in regards to the divorce.  Did I mention I am getting divorced?   When people ask me for the details it fills me with an intense white hot rage of angry.   Here is a quick re-cap – “who’s fault?” besides none of yer damn business the best answer is both of us.  I asked for the divorce.  Yes it is the right decision.  No, neither of us are happy.  No, neither of us are going to be okay for a while.  Ugh…just talking about this is making me ill.  So, moving on. 

Yesterday I finally took a deep breath and answered a bill collector regarding my mortgage which in my infinite wisdom I have been ignoring.  Because if you ignore it; it goes away. 

Heee.  Nope.  it doesn’t.  like all horrifying things in life the more you ignore it the bigger and angrier it becomes. 

In other news—I want thai food.

In other other news – I’ve become obsessed with flossing my teeth.

In other news – my co-worker was becoming a great giant pain in my ass before I realized he was just freaking out.  Similar to the way I am freaking out except he is freaking out in a ‘omg I am going to be a father in like a month and then I have to take some time off and this place is going to fall apart without me or worse it will get better in which case I have just proven my uselessness omg what if my job isn’t here when I come back I am going to be a father holy crap’ kind of way.   Whereas my freak out is more in line with a ‘omg omg omg omg I feel free but poor and I love him but I don’t want to be married to him anymore how much of this debt can I survive oh gods not much but I can’t keep supporting him any longer it is too much it is never going to end and he is never happy no matter what I do and I don’t want to feel unlovable any more why is there no thai food in my world holy crap the work around this place never gets less oh well I am just one person’ kind of way. 

Well, fuck me sideways.  Just had a rousing discussion with a co-worker about the difference between women who dislike women (I can’t ever hang out with women) and men who are overly soliticitous of women.   And then party planning happened and omg I am overwhelmed with crap to do.

Eeeeeek.

And then the epa showed up.  It’s going to be a long-ass day.

Things just aren’t funny when…

Posted in Chances are I probably thought it was funny... by

…you have a tummy bug.  Not to not sound like a lady but there is just something universally icky about feeling crappy (no pun intended). 
I’m at the point in this bug where I really want to go to sleep and possibly throw up.  Although hopefully not at the same time. 
Ugh. 
I say ugh. 
Finish work, go to bed.  Thus my day is planned.

Five frozen chickens, two steaks, one catnip and one squeaky toy, and a purple bucket please.

Posted in Chances are I probably thought it was funny... by

So, I was told about this store.  I heard it was a fun insanity of pet food store meets wholesale food distributers.  It was, and it was awesome.  My glee could barely be contained.  I spoke to the employee/manager/owner (?) and placed my meat order while wandering up and down aisles looking at a strange and wonderful mix of 8 gallon buckets of laundry soap, cat food, dog food, bird food tiny bottles of ketchup, and my nemesis of condiments-the premixed mustard and relish (it is NOT good and it IS different- blegh).  The best part of the experience was in the middle of it all were stacks of red garbage cans marked FOREIGN TRASH.  Thankfully, this was not some some scary racist display; it was yet another service this outfit provides to foreign oil tankers. And my “holy crap something else I never thought about before this moment” moment of the day. 
I like days which are not overly exciting; however please understand they don’t always lead to great writing material.

Gack. Snargle. Where does the time go?

Posted in Chances are I probably thought it was funny... by

I have no time.  And it is time I start making some. Since my bladder decided that unless I wanted a very wet bed I needed to WAKE UP RIGHT NOW–I am up.  Could have been sleeping soundly for a good 45 minutes more….but no….. I’m not bitter, why do you ask?
There are so many reasons I haven’t been updating as much as I used to, but none of them are good. Writing is calming for me; if there is one thing I could use, it’s some calm. 
If you are not on my face(palm)book you may not be aware of the shift in animals around my house.  Please allow me to update you (listed by age):
Teak (aka Doodle) – the most aged grumpy bastard in the world.  Same Doodle as always, wants toast, hates the world and wants it to ‘get off his lawn’. 
Life (aka Princapessa, aka Girla, aka Itchy-head) – same big girl as ever. 
Freckles (aka Frex; aka I didn’t name him; aka Oh, Freckles) – it is almost impossible to say his name without an “oh” in front of it.  Because he is klutzy, looooves to eat electronics, and is just a goofey-butt.  Doodle hates him with an extra measure of “get off my lawn”ishness. 
Pratchett – he is a cat and the only one to survive the scourge of George (foster dog who was kind of vicious. I tried; and failed).  What I learned after George was put down is that Pratchett was kind of a survivor and it is possible for cats to have PTSD. 
Phyllis – she is also a cat, and probably the only one I have ever really bonded with.  When I got her she was all creepy looking and had no fur on her bottom half.  From the top-tiny cute kitten; from the bottom creepy naked KILL IT WITH FIRE! something that looked more like a plucked chicken than kitten.  Thankfully her hair has grown back. A wee bit oddly, but back nonetheless. 

So, there be the animals.  They make up a majority of my life.  Recently I have begun feeding them all raw meat as opposed to kibble crap.  They are all apparently thriving and it has not been nearly as gross as it could be.  Although fish-head day left a LOT to be desired. 

This weekend I treated myself to 2 beach days.  This is some insanity; I left my house not once, but twice.  And I enjoyed it greatly.  Collected a bunch of sea glass, napped, chatted with friends.  Unfortunately at the end of Sunday’s relaxing day I accidentally crunched a hermit crab’s house.  I ran around searching for shells for him to choose from (much to everyone’s confusion and “its just a hermit crab” statements).  I just hope he is okay.  All I could think is ‘hurricane heather’ just crushed his house; least I could do is find him a new one. 

So, that’s all I have for now; time to get up and make the donuts (OMG I want a donut!!)

emotions, v8 chapter 3

Posted in Chances are I probably thought it was funny... by

Good evening everyone.
So. Emotional breakdown #fitty-eleven happened today because the dish network installer guy no-showed me.
You wouldn’t think that in and of itself would cause an emotional breakdown. But there lives the wondrous horror of divorce.
Going along, doing fine–then BLAMMO!
So….yeah. Good times.

Getting down to the details of divorce is like crying over a corpse of a deceased loved one. You know they are dead and gone, but you keep hurting nonetheless.

Ugh. Too stressy to talk about.
Anyway, get some rest. I will try.
Love,
Heather.

it happened

Posted in Chances are I probably thought it was funny... by

It happened for the first time in so long: I was homesick.
A stomach clenching pain filled breath-taking moment of am I doing the right thing I’m so alone I want to be on my couch in illinois safe and home and not alone not alone not alone omg so alone.
It sucked.
I feel like I have failed the game of life. You know the one, the find the husband, house, kids, happily ever after stupidity they fed us as children.
~sigh~
But, my moment of doubt and deep loneliness has passed; I will be okay.
Am I making the right choice? Yes. Because as I continue failing at the game of life–I don’t want to drag anyone else down with me.
I need the freedom to not be the responsible rule follower I have been since I was younger. I need to make choices, relax, and learn who I am.
It is scary; incredibly scary.
I can do this.
I have to.

hey, hi…yeah, i know

Posted in Chances are I probably thought it was funny... by

So…yeah. My world’s imploded.
It is *really* hard, fyi, knowing that people who read this know about me getting a divorce, knowing how much I’m going through, know how un-funny my life is at the moment. And yet, sometimes something funny happens and I want to share. Then I don’t because I don’t want anyone to think I’m not “grieving properly”. ~sigh~
Anyway, something funny happened this morning. Ready? I have a wall lizard who has been around a while. I named him Zippy. Well this morning Zippy fell. He fell asleep and fell off the wall onto the light. Then he looked straight at me with a decided, “that didn’t happen” expression on his face. Cracked me the hell up.

Alright. Back to work. Miss ya’ll.
-H.

tuesday

Posted in Chances are I probably thought it was funny... by

There is a magnetic board in the building where my office is located which has everyone’s name on it and the ability to say if you are in/out, on vacation, out of refinery, etc.
Today I stared at that board and wished there was a ‘losing her shit’ magnet.
I’m pretty funny, but the emotions I’ve been going through lately have been very real, very painful, and extremely time consuming.
And exhausting.
And distracting.

However, I’m not going to dwell on the minutiae of a large life change in such a public forum; believe it or not–i am growing some boundaries. Just be understanding that if you are one of the affected parties that I sometimes sob myself to sleep, sometimes fall into unexpectedly dangerous emotional potholes where I was fine one second and the next I am staring at something we shared causing me to dissolve in pain. I am mourning the death of a marriage; and it is not easy, even if it is the right decision.
Be patient with me; I will update as often as I can. And I will even try to be funny. 🙂

sack up break up?

Posted in Chances are I probably thought it was funny... by

NB: don’t read this; it’s all crazy and emotive and not happy/sexy or even coherent.
My heart is pounding. I am in bed, it’s 02:40 in the morning and I am anxiety ridden.
Why? I don’t know; let’s figure it out.

I was kind of uneasy when I went to bed–i spent my first “whole day” of vacation with my bestest friend watching tv, doing nails, talking, eating refrigerated cheetos (this is weird, but they are WAY better cold-figured that out today) and basically slacking like a champ. Yay us! But then after we had both retired to our individual rooms the stupid anxiety started. Why hadn’t he called me today? That was weird. I spent the day ‘selling’ Demon’s existence to my friend. Explaining why I loved him to the most non-judgemental person I know. I guess I did get to talk to him when I called him to wake him earlier (per request).
**Fyi-ativan just kicked in so things are feeling less urgently anxious**
So…yeah. I sent some pathetic text messages full of lurve etc.
Finally I called him and he answered with lotsa women in the background. “I’m out drinking with some friends; are you okay?”
I wanted to say “no, I’m not okay. I’ve been laying here anxious as hell and thinking about really random horrible thoughts about my grandmother dying as I held her and the way the candle warmer I had bought made the hospital room smell of lavender & lemon and how I had my first panic attack trying to go visit her before she died but didn’t have the $ (this was like 5 years ago. I just aint right).
Gods. Bless. Ativan.
So…I guess the Gods have a hell of a sense of humor. I control things. I control so much that the only way I really relax is if someone takes that control away.
But even playing that role is temporary.
I hate that I am in love with a 23 year old. I hate it because I never expected it to feel like this; so out of control. My hatred for the fact that he may get laid tonight. That he didn’t work on Saturday night so we could spend time together online-but he was too tired.

He spends a ton of time on me; so much so that when he isn’t (oh fucking hell–here is some painfully emo shit, hold on to yer vomit people), well, when he isn’t it feels cold and wintery on my heart (I hate being in 2 minds about my own emotions. Mind 1 just yakked in my mouth a little–Mind 2 is too busy emoting).
I know what needs to happen. I either need to sack-up (this is mind 1 talking) and stop being so damned dependent on Demon. Maybe if he visits it won’t be magical anymore and I can go back to being sane and not (as) emotive. Cause damn.

Well, the ativan has really kicked in and it has removed the need to delete Demon from my life completely.
Fucking anxiety for no good reason. My theory is this is the first time I’ve taken some time off in a long while and it’s gonna take me a while to fully relax.
Now that I wrote this all down I can send his 23-year-old butt a text.
Gnite ya’ll.

ugh

Posted in Chances are I probably thought it was funny... by

So, I’ve seen it happen in movies. At my last employer I remember being in a meeting and finding out my beloved office manager had been laid off. That sucked.
But today has been different. Today a bunch of people are being laid off. Like the kind of lay offs I’ve seen in movies. You have a security escort and 5 minutes to pack your things.
And the very mood of this place hurts me. My close sarcastic coworker tells me I emote too much, feel too much. I glare at him until he admits to being a robot.
I am emotive, I am very in tune with my feelings. That empathy is my strength…and my weakness.
Please let me make it through today. And yes, I mean emotionally. I’ve been told I’m not in danger…but really, who knows?