Alright, I am here in Ohio and there are so many I shoulds.  Right at this very moment there is some blissful silence.  My sister and the baby are out picking up my niece and I am listening to some quiet.  Except for some loud ass birds who are stating quite emphatically that THEY ARE BIRDS and INCREDIBLY HAPPY ABOUT IT DAMMIT.  I mean, damn.  I don’t remember Ohio birds being so damn loud. 
Holy crap, visiting the fam damily causes a maelstrom of emotion which would weary the hardiest watcher of Glee.  I know *I* am batcrap insane, but it is a whole other thing when you can physically SEE from whence the insanity began.  Whether it is my father’s penchant for the crazy women (dude, I get it…they are usually damn good in bed–but when they ban your offspring from visiting you?  damn.) or my mother’s intermittent crying jags (stop. having. emotions.) it is just exhausting.  First always comes the decision of where the hell to stay–it used to be harder because there was a grandmother and a father thrown into the mix (the grandmother went into a home (the really nice happy kind) and the dad’s wife thinks I am devil spawn) so now it just comes down to my ally (my sister’s) or my mom’s (where my second ally (stepdad) resides).  It’s usually a crapshoot and I pick the one who either needs me there more (in this case my sister who is currently raising her granddaughter) or the one who would be most offended by me not choosing the place. 
…do you see how this could be a glee episode?  do ya?  There are so many EMOTIONS and SUBPLOTS up in this bitch.  If we all sang about the emotions maybe we could put this up on Fox and actually have some money once in a while.
Ugh.  Anywhoodle.  My quiet time will soon be over and the maelstrom that is my niece, greatniece, and sister will be here.  Great good gods it is a hot mess of a situation and I wish I could be there for my sister more.  However that is precluded by distance and the fact that my great niece cries when she looks at me. 🙂  Well, I am stranger danger. 🙂  So for now I just provide giant soft teddy bears and hopefully, when she is older, a college education. 
Much love to all y’all.  Thanks to this spangly new keyboard (that actually works) I should be able to write much much more. 
*kisses*
-H.

So the interview went really well; much better than the phone interview. They said I will hearing from them early next week. To be perfectly honest it sounds like my dream job. Very different than my normal scenario of working in “man’s world” because the entire team is made up of women.  Both types of workplace have their own challenges, so it really doesn’t matter in the long run. 
Herbert the hilarious horrible hoarder puppy was incredibly helpful as I attempted to get ready for the interview.  I washed my face and put the toner and cotton balls on the bed while I blow dried my hair.  After drying my hair I look up and see Mr. Herbert with his face full off cotton balls, “look Food Lady! I’se a dispenser”.  ~ sigh ~ at least he is adorable (ish), right?
Have a great day y’all.
-H.

It’s five am, I’m now going to sleep instead of just getting up.  Unemployment has turned me nocturnal.  what have I been doing? Laundry.  FML-I’m awesome.

So, ever feel like crap and groan to yourself in an overly dramatic fashion as you writhe on the bed in a decidedly unattractive manner while praying both FOR and AGAINST death?  Well, that’s how I spent my Sunday night; I can’t recommend it at all.  😦

Last night I went out to a business dinner type doo-dad even though my acid reflux was trying to eat the enamel off of my teeth and all I wanted to do was snuggle with dogs.  However, tired dogs are good dogs so I hooked them up and took Herbert (puppy) and Life (old girl dog) to the restaurant (I left Teak at home to give him a break from puppy)(yeah yeah, it’s st. croix–there are some dog friendly and some non-dog friendly; you just have to know which is which).  Ordered dinner which I picked at…just wasn’t hungry as I had a funny tummy for 2 days.  But I always have fun with the beasties because folks love to pet and play with my dogs so I was happy I went out.  The painful rolling nasty feeling woke me up around 11pm.  I ran to the bathroom in the hopes of…well, going to the bathroom; nothing happened.   So I went back to bed and I wished I could relieve the pressure and a stabbing pain in my belly.  Seriously, I would have given my pinkie toe for just a fart.  I thought I had food poisoning based on pain; thankfully I don’t think that is the case (ah, food poisoning–where you pray NOT to fart) but I am mortified (MORTIFIED) that I figured out what is wrong with me. With this one realization I now know with a certainty that I am incredibly old.  Cabbage.  Mother fucking cabbage is trying to kill me.  Once vegetables start kicking your ass you know you are one small step away from not being able to sit in comfortable chairs because you will be unable to get up.  Soon I will need to go buy a hard wooden chair or else I will end up trapped on my couch.   Fucking cabbage.  On friday night after class I was hungry but, well, it was like 9pm and I thought, I know…I will saute some cabbage for dinner; that will be tasty.  So I did and then ate a big old bowl of cabbage.  Didn’t eat anything too crazy on Saturday but Saturday early evening my stomach started aching pretty badly.  I attempted the bathroom manuever again with limited success but didn’t think much about it until the pain fest what was Sunday night.  On Sunday afternoon I ate a large coleslaw for lunch…dammit! more fucking cabbage. So, this horrible stomach roiling hellfest of doom that is my stomach is so ouchie and I woke up this morning certain of my impending death.  Then, thankfully, I farted.  Then I realized I wasn’t sick, got dressed and came to work. 

What you should have learned from this message is DON’T EAT A CRAP TON OF CABBAGE; IT WILL HURT LATER.

You know what I figured out today?

Why is E my bestest friend? ‘Cause she is as nuts as I am. Please read the following information provided by her about earwax.  And what I am taking from this little snippet of earwax wisdom (copied below) is apparently I smell bad and am going to die early of either heart disease or breast cancer because when there is earwax in my head it is the brown sticky kind rather than the dry grey crumbly kind.  Well, fuck me sideways. 

Is earwax connected to heart disease?

Q. I heard somewhere that the type of earwax you have is linked to your risk of heart disease. Can that be true?

A. One part of that “connection” is correct — humans have different types of earwax, also known as cerumen (suh-ROO-men). Wet earwax, which is brownish and sticky, contains about 50% fat and 20% protein. Dry earwax, which is gray and flaky, contains 18% fat and 43% protein. The type of earwax a person has is genetically determined.

In the early 1960s, one small study demonstrated a connection between wet earwax and atherosclerosis. In 1993, Lithuanian researchers found that people with wet earwax were more likely to have higher levels of apolipoprotein B, a protein that travels with particles of LDL (bad) cholesterol, while those with dry earwax were more likely to live longer. These data aren’t nearly enough to be “a connection.”

In 2009, Japanese researchers discovered that the gene that determines earwax type also codes for a transport protein called ABCC11 that may play a role in breast cancer. Women with wet earwax were somewhat more likely to have breast cancer (and a stronger body odor) than those with dry earwax. The researchers suggest that earwax type could someday be a tip-off of breast cancer risk. Whether they are right, or whether there is an association between earwax and heart disease, remains to be seen.

— Thomas Lee, M.D.
Editor in chief, Harvard Heart Letter