Category Archives: Thoughts and/or Observations

Give me 45 minutes my ass.

Posted in Thoughts and/or Observations by

Okay, so I recently read this article that was SUPER inspiring, you know one of those articles that when you finish it you know your life has been changed for the better: you will be more beautiful, small woodland creatures will dress you and clean your home, you will feel the need to spin around in your front yard singing about all the joy in your life – picture a movie montage combining nerdy girl removes glasses and becomes hot meets Disney meets Sound of Music. I was ready. My life was a’changin; I was ready.

…..or not.

Before I go too far, here is the link for this COMPLETELY ACHIEVABLE article about how to become more productive by dedicating 45 minutes of your morning to yourself; but before you go and willy-nilly click on this please know that if you read this you will be all “I can do this” and “It seems easy” and “why not?” and for all I know this may be more sustainable/achievable for all y’all – this is just *my* experience, after all this is completely achievable – you can totally do this, it seems easy—so, why not?

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/productivity/give-45-minutes-the-morning-and-ill-give-you-more-productive-day.html

So, here are the basic steps:

  1. Wake up early – remember fear is still asleep at 5am!
  2. Exercise after breakfast for 15 minutes – exercise creates new neurons! health! yay!
  3. Meditate for 10 minutes – concentrate on breathing and center yourself!
  4. Write a journal for 10 minutes – get your thoughts in order!
  5. Spend 10 minutes with loved ones – embrace love and joy and remember that make you happy and then go to work!
  6. Plan your work day split between “crucial” and “easy wins” – decide what is critical!
  7. Do the crucial stuff right after giving yourself a few “easy wins” – checking things off – YAY!

Got it? Yep – it seems truly do-able and I know that it is correct – I do feel all productive n’ crap when I am up before dawn, etc.

So, here are the basic steps with what I was feeling when I first read this at around 4PM on a weekday:

  • Wake up early – remember fear is still asleep at 5am!
    • You know, I really did feel like I got more accomplished when I woke up early. I think this is a great idea!
  • Exercise after breakfast for 15 minutes – exercise creates new neurons! health! yay!
    • [pictures looking amazing while doing yoga in a beautiful field at sunrise]
  • Meditate for 10 minutes – concentrate on breathing and center yourself!
    • I can meditate right after the yoga; I am going to be so ZEN! This is going to be amazing!
  • Write a journal for 10 minutes – get your thoughts in order!
    • I can *finally* get back to writing in my blog – just 10 minutes a day. I will be so relaxed and zen I bet I will be HILARIOUS!!
  • Spend 10 minutes with loved ones – embrace love and joy and remember that make you happy and then go to work!
    • [pictures romping with the dogs in this beautiful field where I did yoga and meditated]
  • Plan your work day split between “crucial” and “easy wins” – decide what is critical!
    • Got it! Super pumped!
  • Do the crucial stuff right after giving yourself a few “easy wins” – checking things off – YAY!
    • Yep! Got it! I am READY!!

Ah yes, I felt so excited, so inspired, that I failed to ask myself some very important questions about reality – such as, where in the fuck is this magical field where the yoga, meditation, and dog rompery takes place???

And here we have the basic steps again with my feelings in the morning.

  • Wake up early – remember fear is still asleep at 5am!
    • 5am…..no. ain’t fraid nothing anyway *grabs that asleep fear and spoons*
    • 6am…..hell no. stupid. awake bad. sleep good. stupid internet…trying to make me do stupid things. hate. up bad. hate up. sleep good. pillow best friend.
    • 6:30ish…..grab medication organizer, swallow morning meds.
    • 7am…..FUCK! okay, I am awake…..snooze…….No, wait…I will meditate, that’s on the list……..*breathe in….breathe out….snores*
    • 7:30ish…..*blinking* I really have to pee, head that way, trip over dogs, cuss, let dogs out, kitten runs out to become this weird ninja kitten where he walks on his back legs and attacks things that aren’t there – it’s adorable.
    • 7:50ish……inject other meds
    • 7:52ish……find pants!!! oooooh…..shiny internets…
    • 8:14ish…..find. and. put. on. pants!!!!
    • 8:17ish……crap! work! leave house.
  • Exercise after breakfast for 15 minutes – exercise creates new neurons! health! yay!
    • fuck making new neurons, I barely used old ones!
  • Meditate for 10 minutes – concentrate on breathing!
    • totally did this earlier…..sort of.
  • Write a journal for 10 minutes – get your thoughts in order!
    • I’ll write a blog post later! (I say this a lot)
  • Spend 10 minutes with loved ones – embrace love and joy and remember what makes you happy and then go to work!
    • letting them out to pee and watching the kitten ninja TOTALLY COUNTS!
  • Plan your work day split between “crucial” and “easy wins” – decide what is critical!
    • isn’t it all crucial? shit, the easy stuff is already done. *sigh*
  • Do the crucial stuff right after giving you a few “easy wins” – checking things off – YAY!
    • *scowling* stupid internet with your stupid ideas of stupid.

It will not be a shock to most of you to know I was a late bloomer. I didn’t really understand much of anything and I remember having an epiphany in my early 20s that just because you know you are crazy doesn’t mean you can stop the crazy. Apparently a young H believed that if you could make a crazy person believe they were crazy then that would fix them and the crazy would be gone. Holy crap, I was dumb. Anywhoodle, the same applies here – If you follow these morning guidelines you WILL be happier, more efficient, healthier, and more productive. Even the growly 5am version of me knows this – but that bitch just refuses to get out of bed to drag a yoga mat into the soggy, dew-covered yard avoiding dog poop to do yoga while the dogs dance on her head and the kitten attacks her feet after stuffing food into her face and calculating how much insulin to take with it but ensuring enough time has passed from that one medication that can’t be taken with food and then sit very still thinking about breathing before writing about my feelings. The 5am version of me doesn’t have many feelings beyond LOVE for my pillow and HATE for the up; she is wise.

Have a great day y’all

-H.

Judge Me.

Posted in animal stuffs, Chances are I probably thought it was funny..., random word vomit, Thoughts and/or Observations by

So,  we have a kitten.  His name is Gerald and he is adorable (and pointy). He loves the dogs and is, by all accounts, good to be a great cat. Cute little bastard,  isn’t he?

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Having a kitten means you have to put their needs ahead of yours and forgive them when they do those adorable little things like draw blood whilst climbing your bare legs or attack your eyebrows because they hadn’t noticed that there were FURRY CATERPILLERS ON YOUR FACE WHICH MUST BE KILLED! But I realized after cleaning up the third destroyed roll of toilet paper that I can live without skin or eyebrows but I will be damned if I’m going to have to live without toilet paper.  So,  with a little help from my teeny tiny screwdriver I have turned my unused towel rod into Über Toilet Roll Holder.
Now,  I know it isn’t conventionally pretty…. but I love it. Unfortunately, it gave me another idea involving a a label maker and six different brands of toilet paper to determine if there is a superior brand of wiping paper. That project is still in the planning stages.

image

Kisses,
-H.

The pokey pokey devil….

Posted in Thoughts and/or Observations by

World, meet Gerald. Gerald, meet World. Please note this little putty comes with two dedicated Brindles to guard him and beg him to share his delicious cat food as well as provide him with entertainment and chew toys when he wants to play. Example of this? I was treated to a joyous thunderdome of brindle+kitten playtime at around 01:37 this morning. on my pillow. they were proud. I was tired. It would have been cute….but, ya know, 01:37.
This is the best little pokey devil kitten and he is beloved by the humans and the puppies. The other cat (Gertrude) believes Gerald is in league with the Brindles to bring about her destruction and therefore must be destroyed, but she spends most of her days murdering and destroying outdoor critters and zooming around the yard, so thus far, no issues. Unfortunately, Gerald had found his true enemy to be toilet paper and he attacks it whenever possible and this has lead to a few unfortunate situations for the humans. He is also not a fan of baths and magically turned into a porcupine when I tried that.

Things be alright.

Posted in Thoughts and/or Observations by

So, back in the day I was married to a, for lack of a better term, deadbeat. So I was not without trepidation that I entered into my current relationship. This man moved thousands of miles to live with me and thankfully, I can say this has been the happiest time of my life.
What I have learned over the last couple of months has felt fairly epic but it really just boils down to no-one sees their own issues until you see them through someone else’s eyes. As an example, while cleaning out various rooms of my house I learned I have a complete aversion to closing doors. To my knowledge I have never been locked in anywhere but holy shit….I take doors off of pretty much anything I can and if I can’t take them off I block them open. I hadn’t shut the front door of my house in YEARS until recently. Yep, not a fan of doors. But lately (shut up) I have learned if you close the doors the dogs don’t get outside willy nilly and since outside is where the majority of trouble is found, well, now I get why these damn door things became so darn popular in the first place (shut. up.).
So, before the man got here I researched online for important (read: lame) articles about “are we ready to live together” and other such advice. What really threw me for a loop was the repeated advice that “if you are moving in together to save money–don’t”. I just could not understand this advice–who moves in together to “save money”? Two people living together costs MORE, not less. It was almost 72 hours (again with the shutting and the upping–I’m special) before I realized how incredibly fucked up my thought process truly was; in my mind two people did not equal two incomes, just me taking care of two people. So, with this realization I told the man that he needed to find a job asap and how would the household cost be split, etc. The man basically responded with, “duh. We split bills.” Then he moved in and found a job and all is so close to being amazing it boggles the mind (well, my mind). As he is working as an independent contractor (I hate working like that) and billing the ‘client’ he has yet to be paid and here we are over 35 days past his first invoice and if I eat any more ramen noodle, well, I would cry–except the amount of msg I am ingesting is desiccating my tear ducts. Regardless of the money situation, which should be fine as soon as ‘the client’ pays him, things are going very well in my life. Except I just found out I HAVE ANOTHER FLAT TIRE. Damn. Well, one rather awesome thing about having someone around who, while loving and respecting that I have the ability to change a tire myself, does not believe I should have to change the tire. That’s right bitches, I am now a delicate princess!
*sigh* this growing up stuff is not for the weak! Speaking of growing up — did anyone else have parents that told them they would “grow out of their acne around age 18”? Cause my parents were full of crap; thirty-seven years old with acne AND wrinkles.
~sings~ I feel pretty…oh so pretty….I feel pretty, and witty, and bright…….

Embrace the Rage

Posted in random word vomit, Thoughts and/or Observations by

I have a mother-fucking eye twitch and I’m trapped in one of the world’s most annoying damn classe and it may be time to RANT.
Let’s say you are taking a class about how to drink water.  It happens to be something you do everyday, but because it is required you go to the class with the expectation of learning something useful.  The first day of class you learn where water can usually be found,  maybe spend some time talking about juice (?!) and then they hint that eventually you might see someone drinking water. Disappointing, but you go home with hope for tomorrow.
The next day you get to spend some time watching your instructor lay on the floor while another instructor pours the water into her mouth, spilling over 80%….da fuck? I could explain how to drink water more efficiently than that!  Then we get a couple guest speakers who explain that at their companies everyone drinks water everyday successfully….. That’s great,  but I want to learn HOW to drink the water!
The third day,  we end up talking about juice again,  but this time we have to write down how we would make wine out of juice….and suddenly I can’t stop my fucking eye from twitching. 
This is insane. 

boobular alignment

Posted in Thoughts and/or Observations by

For every horrifying tragedy in this world there are approximately fitty-bajillion (my estimate; and quite obviously not in any way scientific) minor annoyances which are just, well, annoying. Those annoyances are not worthy of great thought or even rectification; so please enjoy my whine about a completely trivial matter:

This may be something only I deal with–but I doubt it. I wear a lot of sports bras, not because I enjoy the uni-boob appearance but because they are inexpensive, easily washed and dried, and for the most part tend to hold my rascally boobs in one location. In the morning after I grouchily drag myself out of bed I will put on whatever clothing I managed to cobble together out of the drier, off the floor, and on a few memorable occasions–off of the lawn (damn dogs!). After throwing on these ensembles of perfection I often fail to look in the mirror before I go. Today was one of those days. While in the bathroom at work I looked at myself for the first time today and thought, “hey there, hotstuff–not too sha…..DAMN.”  My nipples were misaligned. I am not talking about a standard nipple alignment failure such as:

Image

 

when the above happens I laugh and picture a muppet character before shaking the girls into a better look. 

No, today’s horror in a shirt looked more like a stoned chameleon or a mutated walleye. Or, ya know, more like this:

 Image

Yikes! It was rather horrifying, even to me.

How did I not notice my boobs were trapped in a disturbing position? No clue.

Just glad I was able to wrangle those wiley suckers back into alignment before too many people saw me.

Happy to report we are looking something like this for the rest of the day:

 Image

 

although, you know….not all two dimensional and awkwardly drawn in Paint on my computer n stuff. 

Have a wonderful (mostly aligned) day!

-H.

 

stupid.

Posted in Thoughts and/or Observations by

There is a large amount of stupid in this world. We all know this, but as I lay here staring at a big white page where my blog post is supposed to go while my left hip throbs and I am forced to listen to the dreadful hold music provided by the American Airlines which is intermittently interrupted by a very nice woman apologizing profusely before putting me back on hold. I don’t know which is worse–the music or the poor lady repeatedly apologizing. The hip you ask? ah yes…despite everyone in my life believing my injured hip is a Fancy Sex Injury it is, in fact, a stupid Holy Shit I Am So Out Of Shape I Bent Over Sideways To Pick Up A Ball OW OW Fuck My Life I’m So Old I Broke Myself In A Stupid Way injury. I kind of wish it was a Fancy Sex Injury, at least it would be a better story; maybe something involving rigging…..anyway, sorry, kinda got lost there but then I moved and OW! I remembered I am apparently too broken to play fucking fetch with my dog let alone be adventurous without some form of stretching before hand.

Holy Crap; I’m off hold! Time to pay for a work flight change which will make my boss ever so grumpy.

*sigh*