Where the heck do I begin? A yes, a zit.  We shall begin at a zit.  I made some pithy commentary on Facebook one day which said something along the lines of, “I wonder if when you truly lose your mind if it makes an internal popping sound similar to when you pop a really good blemish; you know, like ow ow ow ow o wow POP ahhhhhh.”

These days I fear I have gotten closer than I want to finding out. I thought I was losing it when I decided to get a divorce (and I am not saying I wasn’t; I just thought that was as bad as it could get).  I thought those feelings of turmoil and discord, general depression, and a sprinkling of work stress were just *it*.  And thankfully for a while I there I did get fairly numb.  Not in a healthy way, just in a must keep going kind of way.  And I survived it. 

I kind of stopped writing when the work “incident” happened; it is really hard to find funny in, “huh…I may be completely and utterly screwed here”.  There was a lot of delicious tragedy…but no real funny. 

Brief “incident” description: I signed a really crappy contract in 2010 so that I could stay on this island.  Since that time I have been given yearly “updates” in the form of a one page renewal.  There was a copied and pasted section (which referred to me incorrectly btw) which said I could not work for a competitor inside this refinery for 2 years.  Uh.  Okay.  I forgot.  Oops.  But that company wouldn’t talk to me, they informed the client…my name was trashed for a while.  It was horrid.  I was ready to leave…I had a whole bunch of rage at this company for not speaking to me about it and instead going to the client.  So ugly.  They realized (their lawyers realized) their contract was swiss cheese and they were barring me from a living.  They, in their terms, generously released me from my contract and made me sign not to sue.

Whatever.

So, I deep breathe a lot and take my new job.  Oh happy day…a new job, a new adventur….wait, what?  Huh?  This dude is my boss, and he hates me.  Mmmmkay, that’s a new feeling.  Oh, and he is setting me up for….wait, seriously?  Okay, so…I can hear you all now—why?  Why would he hate you? That isn’t professional.  That doesn’t sound right; I thought you loved your boss.  You’re right.  I call anyone I need to report to my boss.  It is probably not my most attractive quality.  For sake of clarity here are boss descriptors:

• Uberboss – this is usually my bosses’ boss.
• Boss – direct supervisor

So, back to why boss hates me; please let me count the ways:

1. I was forced down his throat by multiple uber boss’.
2. I am female
3. I am a heathen
4. I am smart
5. I can read
6. I can write
7. I can speak in public
8. I know the refinery
9. I know important people in the refinery
10. I apparently do not know my place

Ahahahahahahaha.  As you can see, it is *all* my fault.

The first one – yeah, no-one likes being told they have to hire someone.  Those people usually never work out.  I can totally sympathize.  When I first started I was happy to learn boss’ way to do things.   He just ignored me and keeps me out of the loop while meanwhile saving my emails and highlighting anything I have either done wrong OR if he perceives I am being insubordinate.  Yes.  I *was* called into a meeting where he placed these emails up as “evidence”.   I just stared in gape-jawed incredulity wondering “seriously?”

It did help that the meeting ended with him getting in trouble….but things are still not better.

2 & 3 he is religious.  The door to door kind.  And let’s face it.  I am a female working in a dude’s world with no man controlling me (eye roll) and I am a heathen.  My religious beliefs, while being no-one’s business, do not in any way align with his.  I feel he senses this and therefore dislikes my existence.

4-7.  okay, I can be petty.  But come on.  His spelling, grammar, and reports are hideous.  I am very blessed in that writing comes (mostly) naturally to me. And not to him.  I have no idea what his educational background is composed of, however wow, yeah.  No. 

8-9.  okay, maybe a wee bit petty and elitist, but dang…I have dedicated most of my working life to this place.  Have worked here day and night and gone head to head with some of the biggest players in the place.  Both for good and ill.  I have been here long enough and built up enough of a reputation that I use for the betterment of workers.  And I can understand him not enjoying that.

10  yeah.  I’ve been working without someone staring over my shoulder for a while now.  I do sometimes forget about the jerk.

Ugh.  Okay, I wrote this quickly, but that seems to be all I have time for today.

Miss my friends, family, and I really miss my life.

~hugs~
-H.

Hello folks – time for an update. 
Let’s see, in the realm of my personal life I’m still waiting on my divorce to complete itself.  Things certainly don’t happen quickly.  But I’m doing well, feel happier than I have been in years, and I keep going one little step at a time.
In my working life, well, I quit my job working as an independent and then following ever so much drama where there were lawyers and anger and just a never ending nightmare. 
But now, now I am working in the glamorous world of……safety.  sorta.  See. I have a boss who h.a.t.e.s. me as I was hired in spite of his objections.  I walked into a giant mess which I am trying to sort out.  And it ain’t easy. 
Did I make a good decision? Maybe. 

Good morning world.  Lately, even though I’ve been under some stress, I’ve been doing okay.  Surviving anyway.  Have some stressful work decisions to make soon, but what will be will be.
I’ve switched my beasties to a raw meat diet.  Not suggesting anyone else do it, but after much research it is right for us. 
Please enjoy the imagry of “tuna-head day”. 🙂

Have I mentioned my frustration with shipping things?  It is LARGE. 

The saddest part about my emotions these days is I have to run through a checklist of stupidity before I actually allow myself to have them; let’s do one together shall we?

Dilemma:  I feel ANGRY about something.  Hmmmm, interesting.  ~begins poking rage with mental stick~

1.  Am I dehydrated?  When was the last beverage I drank? 
   1. Yes, I’m freaking dehydrated…I drank something maybe 12 hours ago.  ~cusses~

                                                               i.      Drink liquids – reevaluate rage in 20 minutes and begin at Step 1 again.

1. No, and stop being stupid—I’m hydrated and still frakking ANGRY. GRRRRRR.

                                                               i.      Go to step 2

1. Are you hungry/have you checked your blood sugar? (btw—the inner rage is NEVER happy with these questions and litany of cussing is ongoing)
   1. I hate you.  I haven’t eaten since yesterday and my blood sugar is 55 (LOW).  Fine.  I’ll eat.  GOD!!

                                                               i.      Eat food – reevaluate rage in 20 minutes and begin at Step 1 again.

1. No bitch, I am NOT hungry and just to make you happy I tested and my blood sugar is a fine lovely 90 and I am getting ANGRIER! What!?!  You don’t trust that sometimes people are just jackasses and they deserve the HATE. 

                                                               i.      By all means you pain in the butt – Move on to step 3

1. ~inner cringe~ I hate to ask…but have you checked the calendar? 
   1. *feels RAGE turning on self-questioning* Are you suggesting that a hormonal shift may be affecting our mood?  Are you daring to…oh, crap.  Yeah…okay, hang on. Maybe….

                                                               i.      Ask yourself if your rage is rational…would the average person be ANGRY about this? 

1. If yes – move to step 4.
2. If no – take a deep cleansing breath and let it go. 
3. Alright you misogynist self-righteous pain in the butt, the “calendar event” you are referring to happened *last* week.   So nah, not that.  Aren’t we tired of trying to find other reasons we are mad?  We can just be ANGRY you know.  Sometimes it *is* the other person. 

                                                               i.      Move right on to step 4; I’m kinda agreeing with you—it probably *is* the other jackass.

1. Last freakin’ thing—promise.  How are your meds going….you know, the “crazy anxiety depression” meds?  You still on top of those? Taking ‘em daily?
   1. FRAK YOU!!!! Of course I have been…crap.  Crap crap crappity crap.  ~kicks foot sheepishly~ uh.  Frak.  Forgot to stick them in the weekly pill thing.  Oopsie. 

                                                               i.      Mmmkay, mood swings common with accidental withdrawal of anti-anxiety meds.  It is quite possible whoever is making you rage is an ass-hat—however I would probably suggest letting this one go.  ‘Cause really…we have bigger problems.  Go fix your med-cocktail. 

1. I have been taking them daily.  I am calm, clear, and seriously ANGRY. 

                                                               i.      Move on to step 5. 

1. Kick. The. Crap. Out. Of. Whoever. Just. Made. You. Mad. Because OMG that was so hard just to being ANGRY** and/or take a nap (because that was freakin’ exhausting). 
   1. a.      **unless it is work related in which case write a strongly worded or passive-aggressive email depending on current mood.   

Sooo, that’s it.  That is the exhausting level of stupid for which I have to think through before I can be ANGRY.  It would probably be a better world if everyone had a checklist of the crap they should think about before becoming ANGRY an ass.  But, I admire the freedom to just be pissy that some people seem to enjoy. 

I hope everyone has a liquid and food filled non-hormonal fully medicated day,

-H.

Yeah…that was my day.

It all started with a broken toaster oven, a failed attempt at toasting a bagel using a pan, and giving up and eating ruffles and ice cream (not together–what am I? Insane?) for breakfast.

I stand by the fact that taking mondays off always screws my following week up.

~sigh~

Ah. My blood sugars are high, I’m popping advil like mad, and I’m in a fog. That equals Infection. Where you ask?  My ear. That’s right. My right goddamn ear.

All I wanna do is go to bed. 😦

Mmm’kay – update:  much better after a couple days of antibiotics.