I would appreciate the world explaining to me why in the hell if I have to be awake I struggle and stumble my way into the morning with one eye glued half closed and forget to find and wear important adult things like pants.  Yet if I don’t have to be awake my body decides that at 5AM on a Sunday is the PERFECT time to WAKE UP in EXTREME OUCH with no drowsiness whatsoever.  So I figured while I waited for the generic Advil to kick in I would say…hi.

hi.

I got back to STX on Thursday night after a really long and challenging training.  The concepts behind the training were not difficult, it was more the rampant hell bitch of a lead trainer combined with me being in the state where the house I used to own is in the process of foreclosure where my ex continues to squat and I continue to avoid.  I can say that the trip was amazing because it allowed me to remember that I had an entire life that had absolutely nothing to do with my ex-husband; I had honestly forgotten.  By seeing old friends and co-workers who still care as well as meeting some pretty decent new people (not including hell bitch lead trainer) it felt like I was able to exhale a breath I didn’t even know I was holding.  ~shrugs~ who knew?

However, traveling and stress and having no money and having to learn how to use a western-union type service for the first time to receive money from über boss to keep me able to eat…well, that stress left me physically ouchy as hell this morning.  If I had any money I would get a massage…alas.

There is a crap ton of stuff I feel like I should write about but I am just exhausted.  Not physically exhausted but sort of…soul weary?  yeah, that sounds about right.  soul weary. Anyway, here is a fun list of crap I should write about:

• Herbert as a service animal
• traveling with a service animal
• working for an agency (sort of) I used to see as the enemy
• diabetes is a complete bastard
• traveling with diabetes
• how people who treat diabetes by type as serious vs. no big deal could be the perfect evil of uneducated bias
• cocoa nibs and how they are delicious and the best thing that ever happened to a diabetic
• taco bell is not cuisine but it is so damn satisfying I could be convinced to move stateside for it AKA how I would get stupid fat if I lived stateside again
• my body is weird because I can take serious narcotics to reduce pain and function just fine but Advil (even generic Advil ~grin~) knocks me on my butt which is why I avoid taking ibuprofen (aka Advil) unless I can sleep.   ~shrugs~ all bodies are wired a little different, huh?

So, quick round-up–things ain’t bad.  surviving stuff.  sort of.  🙂  Advil has kicked in and I am off to dreamland.

~kisses~

I’m here, typing on one computer while listening to a webinar on my phone and watching the same webinar on yet a second computer while sitting on my bed wearing pajamas. The webinar itself is on the topic of workplace violence.  Today, my risk of workplace violence is “slim to none”.  In fact, based on what I am currently learning–any of y’all in Health Care are WAY more likely to encounter violence today than pretty much anyone else out there.  Be careful medical folk, cause dang.   Important learning point:  apparently if you are mentally ill AND addicted to drugs you are much more likely to attack people than if you are just mentally ill.  Okay, makes sense.  Important learning point:  Emergency departments are 4.2 times more likely to be attacked at work.  Nursing Homes are 2.6 more likely to be attacked and lastly Psychiatric Depts are 2.0 times more likely to be attacked at work.  This apparently increases stress factors–well, thank you very much; who’d a thunk it?

To continue the description of my day:  Herbert is sacked out in the closet he loves so much on the bed I put in there last night.  He looks extra comfy.  Life is on her baby mattress  and Teak remains on the cold hard floor (per his choice).  It just started raining outside and at this moment I think I win at life.  I’m learning, I’m comfortable, I feel safe, and the sound of rain on my roof is incredibly soothing.

I fought myself out of a panic attack earlier (for.the.win.) after reading a communication from my lawyer regarding my former house going into foreclosure.  I knew this was going to happen; I did.  But reading it was soooo extra whooshing dropping belly freaky.   A close friend of mine to whom I reached out for help sent me back a reminder that I will climb out of this with a shitty credit rating.  The reminder that I *will* climb out of this.  He also said my ex really did a good job at fucking me over.   His support felt good but my Service Dog in Training Herbert really gets the credit for me not completely losing my shit.  When I started crying he jumped up onto the bed and laid behind me providing physical contact.  Prior to last week I was training him to nibble my fingers to keep me focused into the here and now rather than getting lost into my own brain…alas, the other day when I was laughing really hard he triggered to try to make me feel better and the nibbling led to more hilariousness and then there was a big puppy pile of laughing and nibbling.  While funny at the time; I did further research into the training behavior behind this and it was recommended to me to not train him to use teeth because if he reacts to someone else in an emotional state the same way he could be perceived as aggressive.  Okay, this led to a new approach–physical contact.  After I replied to the attorney’s email and could take a quick break I turned around and focused on petting him.  And because of this I didn’t get to the lip tingling leading to face numbing leading to full on panic attack and vomiting.

(Gods help me–I swear I am not crazy crazy; just anxiety-riddled)

  I spent more than half of my day on saturday developing a budget.  This website (http://www.budgetsimple.com/) was intensely helpful.  So, once the budget was set up I had to work towards a checking account register.  I spent quite some time attempting to track down a missing 5 cents.  It is still annoying the crap out of me, I have no idea where it is. 😦

So, that’s about it in regards to the past few hours. Nothing too exciting, nothing too good–but hopefully, nothing too bad either.

*kisses*

-H.

Im too tired to be alive.  And im 97% certain my exhaustion is inversly proportional to the amount of money i have; example- sobbed at my desk for a solid 15 minutes due to lack of money and then walked home and crashed for an hour.
The game of life, not my best work. 
Maybe my next round?

My trip to Ohio ended in a fairly uneventful plane ride home.  I ended up not sleeping for a good 48 hours and after having EMOTIONS I finally got some rest.  Things have taken on a fairly simple routine again.  The dogs are happy to have me home and I am enjoying my new job; although to be fair all I have had to do thus far is review documentation and learn ‘the ropes’.  Anyhow, here is some rambling info for your reading enjoyment:

So, a long long time ago (~10 years) in a far far away place (Southern Illinois) I was working and grumpy.  And then I met someone I had to train and she was SO. DAMN. POSITIVE. I wanted to 1. be her and 2. smack her.  It was an interesting situation.  Eventually her innate happiness won me over and I embraced her happy to be working attitude.  I had to come to the realization that there is only one person in charge of my happiness, and that is me.  Here I am over a decade later trying to channel that happy again.  However, it is weird–I’m scared as hell to let myself be happy.  Everything is going fairly well and I find myself approaching life with the sceptisism and wariness of a soldier with full-on PTSD.  Whenever something awesome happens I feel I need to creep toward the awesome in a slow and well planned maneuver; never enjoying it fully–just waiting for some fresh hell to smack me in the face.  This is probably NOT the healthiest attitude.  So, I am going to *try* to embrace some of my happy–fully and with hope and event though while typing that I felt the need to duck and cover I really am going to TRY. 

My newest happy is that I have an office very near my house–5 minutes by vehicle; 30 minutes by foot.  I’m usually by myself; although I am flying to another island next week to ‘meet the team’.  I’m kind of excited about that part–I have never been to any of the other islands. 🙂  Today, I walked to lunch at my favorite deli (Turtles), picked up a salad and sandwich (half for lunch; half for dinner), walked back to my office and ate.  It was a freaking great day.  I was even productive as hell.  The office is beautiful and next to a church and mini-cemetary.  The neighborhood is a wee bit shady BUT this totally gives me the excuse to drag a dog with me every now and again. 🙂

So.  I am excited.  I am fairly hopeful.  Wish me luck island hopping next week; I will try to keep y’all updated. 

*kisses*

Dear lord, this has been the best and worst trip.  Part of me is thrilled to be here, but part of me is all squidgedy about money.  Because I have spent pretty much everything I have.  Which of course fills me with squidgedy disquieted doom.  But screw it, what is done is done.  It is just so freaking amazing to see all of the STUFF.  To be fair, as beautiful as St. Croix is, it does not have everything.  To be specific (and judge me at will) I would probably never leave the island if it had a Chipotle, a Taco Bell, an Olive Garden, a Target, and lastly, a Best Buy.  Why, you ask? So I can get a working keyboard so I can type on my phone.  As much as Swype and I get along I just can’t write paragraphs without wanting to punch someone in the face.   
I will write more tomorrow about the insanity that is my family; however tonight I am heading out with my sister to meet a boy she may be interested in.
Much love,
Heather