But fuck, I might as well be.

Where to begin…okay, we all know where to begin—gots’a have my giggle about starting out a post with the words ‘but fuck’. ~giggle~ okay, now that’s out of the way, on we go to the post.

I am stressed. Unhappy. Did I mention stressed? I’m sitting here, drinking probiotic yogurt (kefir pomegranate if you want some insight into my glamorous lifestyle) waiting for the anti-anxiety meds to kick in. come on modern chemistry…you can dooooo it.

So, I have some news….ready? yeah it is crazy. ADD medicine killed my sex addiction. Who fucking knew? Okay, everyone has some level of ADD because, well, focusing on shit we don’t want to is insanely hard. Why? Because we don’t want to do it. A very nice woman named “R” stayed with me for a couple weeks…Gawd she was insanely hot and sweet and totally not into girls. Which is okay, because her friendship was something my soul needed (and everyone at work totally thought I was doing her and gave me a shit ton of street cred. J) Well, she was sort of the poster child for ADHD. She gave me some of her meds before she left and I took them expecting to get all speedy and get housework done. Instead I became calm, centered, quiet, and serene.

Then it all clicked. The hyperfocus, the procrastination, the empathy…crap. So, once I got in trouble at work (again) for my “off the cuff” remarks I went to the doctor and got my own prescription.

And low and behold—productive, sedate, professional, and sated. Yeah, me. The never-sated one.

It blows my freaking mind.

I got a kiss tonight, a gentle sweet kiss from someone who really wanted me. And it made me uncomfortable, my heart ached, I felt guilty…gack. A mess. That intense rush of almost drug-like euphoria I used to get from that first interaction was not there. And I couldn’t get lost and forget the world.

Shit. I could use some world forgetfulness right now.

Money – fucked up.

Relationships – uh, yeah. Seriously fucked up.

Work – OMG – there are no words for the level of fuckedupedness there. The racing over emotional place in my brain has been quieted (thank you modern chemistry) and allowed me to see everyone. I see the real everyone now and not the created façades that I always accepted. It is horrifying.

Closest co-worker – deeply insecure, although smart – feels superior to majority of people. Often comes off as an ass. Often is an ass. I used to think he was just misunderstood and really a good guy. Now I think he is alright, just not someone who would sacrifice for anyone else. Except maybe his wife.

Other close co-worker – says he thinks of me as a sister but really he is attracted to me but can’t figure out why. I would never seduce him because he would never forgive himself. Truly a good and happy soul. I love him as a brother.

Boss – the most intensely false human being I have ever worked with. Ambitious. Kind of a dick at times. He really prefers to talk to my closest co-worker rather than me, and in meetings with the 3 of us he will talk directly to closest co-worker and mostly ignore me. That always makes me very very angry. The most annoying part? He is a smart man who worries about other people as a whole; but seems to basically ignore me. I do not like to be ignored. Is it a woman thing? Maybe. Actually I think it really might be. I can’t stop trying to figure it out.

Psycho – his office got moved to my building. AWKWARD. Also, now that I work with him…the attraction is (mostly) dead. Sometimes we have great “moments”.

Blingy – Blingy put in his notice; he is moving to New York. I’m happy for him.

Okay, so that’s all I have. My brain hurts.

Oh, and continued work stress – we find out in 2 weeks if this place is going on strike. If it does…well, we are already fucked up, what’s so far past fucked up that fucked up looks like a wee little dot on the horizon? Yeah…that’s us.

Goodnight everyone, I’m exhausted.

-H.

>Yesterday i looked into my rearview mirror on my to court and thought, “holy shit! I have compound hair!”
This led me to stop and think the following: 1. im watching way too much “big love” lately (for those of you who do not watch HBO shows big love is about a polygamous dude and his 3 crazy wives. Anyway, when the storyline of that show goes to “the compound” i’m always amazed at he height of the women’s bangs.) 2. this is not a good look for me. 3. I Really need to look in the mirror and/or brush my hair in the morning.
So, if you are a bit more focused on the “why is heather going to court” part of that last (we shall loosely call a) paragraph, do not fret! I was on my way to fight some traffic tickets which i successfully did as it was a cop no-show.
Work has been unpleasant of late. Lots of problems, both in the equipment, the processes, and worst of all (for me) is the politics. i do not like political shit, trying to scrabble and crawl over one another to make yourself look better. ugh. hate it. so work, not gonna talk about work except to say i have learned more about industrial hygiene in an oil refinery than i ever thought possible. and im still learning…
the court thing, well i went to fight some traffic tickets.

hope this finds everyone well!

>hey folks! so, hi…i know i have not written much lately but hoooo-boy is there a lot going on. I’m trying to figure out where in the story to start….
well, tonight George had his first big bone. Who is George you ask? George is a big wiggly stupid dog that I love….even if he is a pain in the butt.

>Today, January 2, 2011 is my 2 year anniversary on this island…
I have no new insights, no new wisdom. Life here, as everywhere, is all about small details of the everyday. It is a daily struggle to balance sarcasm with wonder and practicality with joyfullness.
May everyone find their happy!
Love,
-H.

If there is a drug out there that could remove my personality…well, more specifically remove my excess personality, calm me down, remove my anxiety, and allow me to be articulate and productive should I take it? I don’t feel depressed, I don’t feel anything really.  No ups, no downs…just beige. 
Yes folks, I have begun treatment for adult ADD.  I got in trouble last week at work and this caused me to rethink myself.  I have always staunchly refused to not be myselfat work.  Sure, I’m inapropriate, loud, obnoxious, think about sex all the time, get emotionally traumatized daily…but that is *me*.  Except this time a stupid little flippant comment really upset a lot of people and that caused someone I respect to have a lot more problems due to *me*. 
So, I’m taking my adderall.  It has all but eliminated my anxiety, I’m not wallowing in my own depressed thoughts. 
As I said to a loved Demon today, its like a personality muffler. 
So…..yeah. 
I’m going to putter around the house some more.  Hope everyone is peaceful today. 

Hey folks.  I did nothing too exciting and nothing sexual for the new year.  But I’m in a very good place.   A new year, a new zen. 🙂 
I’ll admit it! im boring. I went out to a delicious dinner last night around 7pm, stopped at the grocery store, came home and watched some tv before conking out a litte bit after midnight.  It was peaceful, relaxed, and gosh darnit pretty good. 
this morning i woke up and took a walk with some friends down to the beach.  they brought their 2 dogs and my 2+foster came along as well. 
foster dog, i should tell you all about foster dog.  His name is Goofus George.  Almost 2 months ago my mother, sister, and I went to the animal shelter. I caught a glimpse of 2 emaciated tall black dogs and asked my friend who works there what was their deal.  She told me they were pure bred coonhounds who were owned by a police officer and that the shelter wasin court trying to get him in trouble for abuse of the dogs.  They had been tied in a field and pretty much left to die.  Every single bone was articulated through the skin and she told me that they were both heartworm positive.  I looked my friend dead in the face and said i would care for one of them.  I knew i couldnt afford nor have the space for both, but I could help one…
time went by and both dogs rebounded back into health, gaining 20 to 30 pounds each and still remained underweight.  the court case completed and the police officer was told he could have the dogs back (!!??) as long as he provided receipts for dog food.  He never came to pick them up.  I picked up this sweet boy last thursday.  He is a challenge, and goofy, but most of all he is sweet.  We are learning everything for the first time incuding what its like to be fed all you can eat, what its like to sleep on soft things, what a leash is, the list goes on. 
I don’t really have the time, the money, or the space for this boy…but I couldnt just let him wait in a cage to be put down after spending all his short life before that starved and unloved.  It is bad enough I could only take the one.  But, every little bit of good I can do hopefully inspires other little bits of good.  Love you all!